The Invention Iran Doesn’t Want You To Know About

The news came from Iran and spread like a fire. They had done the impossible, and the world would be forever changed:

Iran invented a time machine.

The initial tests went poorly.

Ali Razeghi, the inventor and head of a state department dedicated to inventions, calls it “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine.” The device reportedly uses a set of complex algorithims to “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy”. It then prints the results out for you to read and is about the size of a personal computer.

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“Magic 8 Ball says this is is bullshit.”

He wants the invention to be used by the government so they can see future military conflicts and other things that might harm them.

The main problem, though, is everyone knows this is a big ol’ crock of shit and called them out on it. Iran immediately deleted all mentions of this in their press hoping that would stop the story.

Break News can safely report that Iran has no clue how the internet works.

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“Guys! According to this, I do become rich by helping that Nigerian prince!”

However… what if they are right? What if they saw this would be the reaction and are laughing at all of us now? What if they knew I’d write this article and are planning something nefarious against me or my girlfriends, Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen? Oh, God… What have I done?

– Mark Potts (twitter me)