Michael Bay’s new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot opens today and if the reviews are any indication, it’s pretty meh. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be hopeful about the sequel! Oh, you know it’s coming. So here’s a short list of baddies they should’ve included to make the first one a lot more interesting.
15. Chrome Dome – Built by Shredder himself to look like Silver Samurai’s slow cousin, Chrome Dome is a ninja robot designed to kill the turtles. Michael Bay’s love of all things robots means that maybe a sequel can give new life to this metallic monster.
14. Triceraton – Because Dino Riders were still kind of cool, we got this roided out triceratops with Lazer Uzis. But until Jurassic Park gets off its ass with those half-dinosaur half-human soldiers they promised way back, don’t expect to see Triceraton on the big screen.
13. Killer Bee – Look at this thing! Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Look at all those colors. How’s that make any sense? His weapons of choice are sawed off shotgun, chainsaw, ball and chain, and handcuffs, you know, like a bee would use. Foot clan members sit in an electric chair to ride him, cause why not? Don’t see hideous creature making the cut anytime soon.
12. Rat King – This seems like the most realistic TMNT villain, I guarantee there are no less than six Rat Kings currently residing in New York City right now. Although those rat kings probably don’t have sweet weapons like the royal ratbow or the rathook. Hopefully when the sequel rolls around, Steve Buscemi gets a call.
11. General Traag – This leader of a Dimension X rock army looks more like a dried turd than a seasoned warrior, but his stone anatomy makes him a formidable foe regardless. This ugly Thing may have nothing to do with his Fantastic Four cousin, but maybe the momentum from the FF reboot can get this rock soldier into a turtles sequel.
10. Bebop and Rocksteady – These fan favorites only make it to number ten because they’re too obvious. After all these years and turtle movies, of course we need a decent Bebop and Rocksteady. The closest we’ve gotten is the incredibly inferior Tokka and Rahzar from Secret of the Ooze. It’s time we finally get this warthog/rhino duo on the big screen.
9. Leatherhead – It’s time to head on into the bayou! Born in the Florida Neverglades, this swamp gator may look like an inbred Killer Croc, but his bite is nothing to laugh at. Don’t hold out hope seeing him anytime soon though, this gator and his Jumbo Gumbo Belt aren’t likely to see the inside of a movie theater.
8. Dirtbag – The turtles’ nemesis is without a doubt Shredder, but Splinter has a life outside of Shredder, and most of it is spent feuding with this crazed mole man. If Bay ever wants to focus a sequel on sewer supremacy, you better believe Dirtbag will have a hand in it.
7. Scale Tail – Dimension X’s most notorious bounty hunter is one messed up serpent. He has one normal arm, and one made out of smaller snakes, not to mention the few snakes that make up his tail. I’d be surprised if this impractical menace terrorized the guys anytime soon, but if he ever does, it should be fun to watch.
6. Groundchuck – Cyborg bull! He’s the Robocop of bovines. Part bull. Part machine. All evil dick. Just think of all the beef puns Michelangelo could bust out during a brawl. I wouldn’t hold your breath on this guy making it into future movies, this horned henchman didn’t make the cut.
5. Baxter Stockman – Now this one’s trickier because Baxter Stockman actually is in the new movie, but merely as an evil scientist. Sadly, we don’t get to see the Brundlefly side of him. Which is too bad, because Baxter was always one of the best villains to watch. Let’s hope they set up his transformation in the sequel.
4. Scumbug – Shredder’s ace assassin is a messed up looking roach. With his sweet ponytail antennae, Scumbug can control bugs and always has a tank of anti-turtle spray. Anti-turtle spray. That’s some Adam West Batman shit right there. Can’t imagine this guy getting the live action treatment, but stranger things have happened, like Shredder being a white guy.
3. Scratch – I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about Scratch, but come on, who wouldn’t want to see a cat in an old timey prison uniform? Guaranteed $100 million opening weekend. He even has a canary sidekick, Jailbird. Get on it, Bay.
2. Pizzaface – The Turtles favorite thing in the entire world turned against them. That’s high drama right there. Pizzaface possesses the power of the pizza pie, whatever that means. All I know is this guy was born to be a star. I’m predicting right now, Brendan Gleeson wins the academy award for his portrayal of Pizzaface in TNMT 3
1. KRANG!!! – Was there ever any doubt? If the turtles expect to have a decent franchise, they absolutely have to do battle with this squirming brain. We have been denied Krang’s greatness for far too long. The best turtle villain, hands down.
Was there ones we missed? Or maybe there was a villain you would prefer to see as #1. Let us know in the comments!
Follow me at @TheZakW to discuss this whole Ninja Turtles thing further.