The Five Ways You Can React To Lil Wayne Almost Dying

As one of the world’s biggest rappers today, Lil Wayne lives a hard and fast life. He’s known for his creative lyrics and tight flow but more importantly, he’s known for his love of “sizzurp,”  a concoction of prescription-strength cough syrup (containing codeine and promethazine), soda, and the occasional Jolly Rancher.

And he drinks it all the time. This lead him to his recent bout with severe seizures and almost death, according to TMZ. Reports from the gossip website had Lil Wayne on his death bed, his mother flying into Los Angeles, and a priest reading him his last rites. But none of it was true.

Still, the fear of his possible death sent a nation, NAY, a world, into shock and a mixture of feelings. How do we, as a society, cope? There are really only five ways.


1. Eh, He Had It Coming

The guy is drinking drug-heavy cough syrup. And not just a little of it for fun on the weekends to wind down from his 9-5 office job. We’re talking cup fulls almost all the time.

CVS is Lil Wayne’s best friend!

I’m not saying it’s a good thing to blow off someone’s death because it’s not. But, come on, he has it coming. He’s drinking codeine-laced cough syrup all the time! That’s not good for the body, as evident by his newfound seizures and almost sorta probably not but maybe death rumors.

How can we feel really bad for someone who is pretty much killing themselves anyway and has not shown signs that he really wants help? That’d be like me asking for help purchasing my VD medicine after all the sex I have with hot women ALL THE TIME. I have the VD coming (and the ladies, ZING!)


2. Oh no! That’s So Sad!

Lil Wayne is, as stated before, one of the biggest rappers in the world. People were mourning on twitter as the false TMZ reports came in. Someone’s hero was dying and that is incredibly sad.

He also started the One Family Foundation which aims to help youth “cultivate their talents and skills, educating them to become productive and economically self-sufficient, and motivating them to dream beyond their circumstances,” as stated by the foundation’s website.

Oh, he also has four kids and that would suck for them if their dad died while drinking cough syrup.


3. Who?

Some people don’t know who he is so when almost every news outlet was talking about his almost-death, a number of people had no idea who was apparently almost not really dying.

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“Back in my day, Chubby Checker was tops!”

But even if you had no clue who he was, you probably are aware of the celebrity “rules of three” which states that when one celebrity dies, two more die soon after. That probably made you worry. Or not because you don’t give a shit about celebrities. Either way, good for you!


4. Hooray! But only because music from dead musicians is almost more interesting than music from when they were alive!

Posthumous albums are rarely that good but are always way more exciting because it’s new music by a dead musician! What will it be like? Will it be as good as the previous albums? Maybe the artist isn’t really dead!? It was all a ruse!

Many artists have done this. 2 Pac has had NINE albums since he died. Notorious B.I.G. has had five! Jimi Hendrix has had 11! 11! Even John Lennon did it, but he only had one because he was a slacker.


5. Why Can’t Lindsay Lohan Be Dead?

Seriously, everyone else is dying and going to jail but not her? How is this possible? She’s screwed up more than anyone ever has and is still alive and still making shitty movies and still being a terrible, terrible person. And now, after her, I think, 703rd court date, all she has to do is be locked away in a rehab facility for 90 days.

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“I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?

And it’s at times like these that we realize that life just isn’t fair. If any of us were in Lohan’s shoes, we’d be locked up in jail for 20 years (we’d also have sore feet because her shoes are tiny). But because she is apparently special, she gets to still enjoy life and have money and party.

Where’s some sizzurp? I need to escape this world…

– Mark