The Eight Worst New Cosmo Sex Tips

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on Jun. 15, 2013

Cosmopolitan is a magazine that women read when they want fashion advice, vagina advice, or tips on torturing men's penises. It's the worst thing ever written (including my articles! Gotcha, commenters and bosses!) because it gives women very bad ideas – ideas men have to endure. The magazine recently unveiled 67 new "blow-his-mind" moves and here are eight that we hope no man ever, ever has to experience.

“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
If I see a woman bringing a pepper shaker to bed I'm going to have much bigger concerns. Also, I can't wait to get my hot, sticky snot all over your face. Sounds romantic!

Women love my, "Bless me!" face.


"Treat him to a series of thrills — flash him, grind on his lap — but don’t finish him off. Go about your day as usual until finally indulging in toe-curling sex that night."
You mean give me blue balls? You want to give me the most painful thing a man can feel short of actually cutting my balls of. Great, sign me up!


“Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.”
Don't bite balls. Repeat. Do not. Bite. Balls.


"Rub lotion along your inner thighs, and have him slide his penis in and out between them."
WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR THIGHS WHEN THE VAGINA IS RIGHT THERE?

"Clip out this article, circle tips you know would push his buttons, and mail it to him anonymously."
Do you realize how paranoid this would make most men feel? "Oh my God! Someone is mailing me sexual magazine clippings. Is this a hot woman? Ugly woman? Hot man? Ugly man? Wait, does it matter if the man is hot or ugly? No. Yes? Is someone going to do me then kill me? What is going on!?"


“Have him lie face-up on the bed with one side of his body pressed against the wall. Stand above him, lean your back against the same wall, lower yourself onto his penis, and then slide up and down, using your hands for leverage. The angle will stimulate his penis differently, and the view of you riding him sidesaddle will be seared into his memory.”
Take a hot dog and bend it in half. That is exactly what sounds like could happen with this move.


The upside is now you can try all sorts of crazy new positions that literally weren't physically possible before!
 

“When he’s close to the finish line, prolong the pleasure by having him pull out his penis and rub it across your stomach until neither of you can stand it.
Him - I'm about to go.
Her - Bang your penis on my stomach.
Him - What?
Her - Yeah, just start slapping my tummy with it.
Him - Uh…


"Ask what songs he listened to in junior high, and play them during a hookup. It will take him back to that time when he was in an almost permanent state of horniness, triggering his primal urges."
Right, because R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion" reminds me of all the raging boners I use to have and not the dead, empty cavern inside of me.

 

Michael Stipe's emotions make me so hot.

Any of these tips actually sound good? Let us know and then go seek help.

- Mark (follow me on twitter for hot sex tips)


 

43 comments
DREWPBALLS1921
DREWPBALLS1921 User

They only left out the "dress up like a priest so he can relive his molestation" tip.  That's gets me hot every time.

stupidcomments
stupidcomments User

How to keep your man happy: Let him assplow you while making him a sandwich.

lucas_number_one
lucas_number_one User

Mike... I must say I agree with you on EVERYTHING!!! thumbs up


slip_slip
slip_slip User

He's just taunting us. 


Netalius
Netalius User

Also, fire Mark, he is not worth the paycheck


Netalius
Netalius User

Your editorials suck break, go back to stealing other peoples content on the internet and sticking your own lame adds on it. You suck break,


2DEcho
2DEcho User

uh, not only no, but HELL NO!  Who comes up with this stupid crap?!

MagusFyre
MagusFyre User

NEW COMMENT SYSTEM SUCKS A$$

Mike-Emmons-39
Mike-Emmons-39 UserTop Commenter

if she does that ball biting thing, do that thing with the peeled ginger. better than a rolled up newspaper.


marathonmantoo
marathonmantoo User

The pepper should be for her! The vagina tightens when she sneezes dummy

whatinitheworld
whatinitheworld UserTop Commenter

Before sprinkling pepper on your man's nose ladies, help you man put on the condom, then pour Tabasco sauce in his penis' head and get ready for a whole new way to "amplify the feel-good effects"

llga01
llga01 User

 This new comments interface SUCKS BALLS.......it's not conducive to trolling at all!

Hoofster
Hoofster User

This was the first funny article I've read. Almost cracked worthy. Too bad it was ruined by the WORST COMMENTING SYSTEM EVER

ROB-Robot
ROB-Robot

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SPACING BETWEEN COMMENTS? THIS SUCKS.

Aggies77
Aggies77

biting the skin of the rectum is great. Not a big hunk of testicals....christ no wonder your wife left you to come f--- me, you have no idea how to get the job done. Break editors must suck in bed.

Blue balls? yeah that ended for me sophomore year, you get blus balls cause your wife left you and no one has touched you in 12 months.

RobJVM
RobJVM User

Lick his eyeballs.

Billyraymontana
Billyraymontana User

Who the hell wrote this article? A bunch of Hannah Montana wanna-be whores? What is the world cumming to...

smoke1383
smoke1383 User

It says 71 people listening. How do you listen to an article with pictures?  Oh wait that is what Break probably spent a lot of money on, the new comment system.  Well done.

onasphere
onasphere User

How about this advice. Take off your clothes and do what you're told, and maybe I'll put in the extra 50 strokes it takes to get you off, too. 

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie moderator User

 Compliments? The end is near.

onelife2K
onelife2K User

Articles like this are great, Keep it up and I might come here as often as cracked. Maybe.

surferdude850
surferdude850 User

i laughed pretty hard....not going to lie.

johnsonjiggle
johnsonjiggle User

let me simplify this retarded list.

1) suck our dic

2) cup our ballz

3) make us food

4) don't talk so much

that's better than any list that cosmo can give you.

jbart321
jbart321 User

Cosmo is the worst.

Brett-Powell-394
Brett-Powell-394 User

Every single article ever written by Break has been borderline retarded. Today...was the exception.

Netalius
Netalius User

Break has too many losers on its payroll, it is suffering from corporate dik suckfest with adds.


Mark-Potts
Mark-Potts moderator User

@Hoofster Have you seen the commenting system on Christian Mingle? It's WAY worse.

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie moderator User

@smoke1383 Listening is a Livefyre term that incorporates the number of people on the page and people who are "following" comments. As you can see, I was one of the people listening.

Mark-Potts
Mark-Potts moderator User

@Brett-Powell-394 Now hold on. I know I've written some blogs that are full blown retarded. Get it right, Brett.

Break Robot
Break Robot moderator

Break Robot says you're so kind.