The Dos And Don'ts Of Company Holiday Parties

If your company is cool enough, they will throw you a holiday party. That party will provide you with plenty of situations where you can either have fun or make terrible decisions. Here is a handy dos and don'ts list for you to study. If needed, print this off and keep in your pocket. Or tattoo it to your arm. It makes a great conversation starter!

DO - Enjoy The Free Alcohol
Most company parties will supply ample amounts of alcohol. Have yourself a few drinks! You'll need them to stomach most of your co-workers anyways.

DON'T - Drink So Much You S**t On The Copier
Alcohol is the elixir from Hell. It'll make you feel good, but cause you to do very stupid things. Unless you want to end up in a video that makes it onto some company emails later that night, you'll want to keep yourself to a two-drink minimum.

Bob had a few too many drinks.


DO - Talk To People You Normally Don't
The holiday party is a time for you to mingle with the people you rarely talk to. That guy in accounting you normally sort of smile at when he's taking his time at the coffee machine when all you want is to get your damn cup of coffee and get back to your desk to pour a little whiskey in it? Introduce yourself. You might not want to bash his face in as much next time he's making beeping noises as he presses the coffee machine's buttons.

Or that woman who seems to always be coming out of the women's bathroom when you're coming out of the men's, making a case where the both of you probably think the other one has IBS? Say hello! Tell some jokes and have fun with her! But don't make poop jokes because those are immature.

Spread your social wings beyond your corner of the office. You never know how these newly-found relationships might help you out down the line.

DON'T - Be Honest With People
You have an office crush? Keep that to yourself, especially if your office crush is married or getting over a recently deceased spouse (especially the spouse part. Because then it's just a bunch of boring crying and ugh, no thank you).

You hate your boss? That's fine, but don't tell him or her that you wish they would get hit by a car as they are walking into work, only to be pinned against the wall in such a way that they are barely alive and when the car is moved their intestines will fall onto the concrete and the light that once held their dark soul will perish from their eyes. Keep that to yourself (or in a "Feelings Journal" like my counselor gave me).

Honesty is not the best policy at company holiday parties. In fact, they might be the worst.

DO - Play The Office Games
Some companies like to have team building games available for everyone to partake in. Often cheesy, they can be a fun activity for everyone. Put aside your cynicism and get involved.

Some office games require more alcohol than others.

DON'T - Fight Ron Even Though He's A Cheating F**k

DO - Have An Alternate Ride Ready
Don't drive drunk. This is the most important rule. Even if you don't plan on drinking that much, make sure you have a backup plan just in case.

DON'T - Offer Members Of The Opposite Sex "Rides"
They never find it as clever as you'd hope. Oh, and you'll probably get fired and sued.

Don't listen to Ken. Ken is an a**hole.


DO - Have Fun Conversations
It's not a time to complain about bosses and the company. It's a time to celebrate the holiday season and have some fun!

DON'T - Talk About Buttholes
It gets weird fast.

DO - Bring Your Significant Other
This will let your co-workers know more about you personally but more importantly, know you aren't actually lying about being with someone.

DON'T - Bring Your Bosses Significant Other
Affairs might be fun, but don't bring them into the office Christmas party. Awkward…

DO - Put Away Your Phone
You don't want to be that person in the corner texting someone else all night. And no one will want to talk to you if you're face is down at a phone screen all the time.

DON'T - Turn Off Your Phone
You want that ready when your boss gets drunk and starts doing stupid s**t and you need pictures and video.

"I can't wait to use this to blackmail a raise tomorrow!"


DO - Have A Good Time
The company is paying for food and drinks! What's not to like? Relax a little, have fun with your co-workers, and forget that you might actual hate your co-workers and life.

DON'T - Have A Good Time
For most people, to have a good time around co-workers and bosses would require a large amount of alcohol, which you cannot afford to drink because you cannot afford to lose your job. Just have a few drinks, a few fake laughs, then go home to have a few real crys.