The Daily Wrap: September 5th

Hello Thursday, you’re looking nice today.  What’s this, you have news?  How very kind of you!

The TSA is Ridiculous

If you fly, even infrequently, you probably dislike taking off your belt and shoes for the TSA and handing over your shampoo and bottled water on the off chance you plan on using either to stage a mid-air coup.  Well worry no longer because the TSA is willing to trust you with fluids and shoes again providing you pay for it.

Travelers are now able to join a Precheck program for the low price of $85 and your fingerprints.  Once enrolled you get to bypass the lines the rest of the shlubs are in and take all the shampoo you can handle onto the plane with you.  The service is now available at 100 airports across America.


Geraldo is Too Gross for Education

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Geraldo Rivera, a man who once had his nose broken on his Jerry-Springeresque talk show by a member of the KKK and who famously opened an empty vault on live TV hoping to find treasure, has been removed from a panel discussion at a conservative university thanks to his semi-nude selfie which the school felt clashed with their conservative image.   Geraldo feels it’s inappropriate censorship but it should be noted that, realistically, Geraldo had no particular expertise or relevance to the topic at hand – it was a panel discussion on JFK’s assassination and Geraldo’s contribution is that he was the host of a show that first aired the Zapruder film 10 years after the fact.  He is also not an educator and is pretty much most famous for his contributions to trash TV and for making journalistic mistakes rather than having integrity.  So maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised.  But of course he is, because he’s Geraldo.


Food For Boston Kids

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Boston Public Schools are offering free meals, breakfast and lunch, to all students this year no matter the income of their parents.  Is this news you should care about?  Yes it is, because if one school board can find a way to make that happen, so could others.  No one should be happy or proud to live in a country where kids have to go to school and be hungry all day, not when people are waving flags claiming to be in the greatest country on Earth.  That’s lip service to a misplaced and disgusting ego.  Actually organizing a program to feed children who need to learn and grow and one day ensure the rest of us don’t get taken over by the armies of Norway, that’s how you make a great country.

Good for you, Boston.


Death in Detroit

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Someone needs to start offering tours of Detroit as a vacation option because this city keeps getting more insane and hilarious. Now that the city is bankrupt, turns out it’s becoming increasingly difficult to die there there as paper vendors have refused to supply city hall with paper unless they get paid in cash while the city had been hoping to continue doing business on credit, apparently unaware of what bankrupt means to everyone else in the world.

Last month, when one paper vendor refused to turn over the goods, the city was forced to put a stop on issuing things like death certificates, because they couldn’t print them.  The county is going to take over the death business for Detroit, but that little blip on the radar until everything gets sorted means anyone with a dead relative has to wait.  Legally, without a death certificate, you are not dead.  Any personal data – bank accounts, bills, insurance, none of that can be accessed or addressed without a certificate.

The morgue in Detroit is now closed on Sundays so if a relative dies you can just wait until Monday.  The medical examiner’s office is closed on holidays as well, should you try to die on one of those days.  Probably in the future they’ll go to a Tuesdays only sort of situation and then, maybe, just start ignoring the dead altogether.


The Fryscraper’s Burning Reign Continues

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We told you yesterday about the Walkie Talkie building in the UK that melted some poor sucker’s Jaguar.  Now that everyone knows about it, reporters have converged on the area to cook eggs and otherwise make a scene.  Affected parking places have been roped off, but local businesses are suffering warped floor tiles and scorched carpeting as temperatures apparently reach over 150 degrees  in the direct sun, not to mention the blinding white light that everyone has to endure thanks to the parabolic shape of the building basically turning the mirrored windows into a death ray.