They call it Hump Day and make camel jokes about it. You can call it the day you read all this incredibly valuable news in Break’s Daily Wrap and were up to date on what’s buzzing.
Ariel Castro is Dead
Cleveland kidnapper and general scumbag Ariel Castro, who held three women captive for a decade, could not handle his own captivity and, despite being on suicide watch, has killed himself in prison. Predictably, on social media, literally no one cares.
According to reports, Castro hung himself around 9:30 last night and his family first heard about it from the news rather than the correctional facility itself.
Castro had been sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. Just has those 1,000 to go now.
Walking on Sunshine in Kmart
You’re aware huffing air duster is a thing people do, right? Apparently as an addiction it’s so intense people are willing to do things like hide out all night at a Kmart just to go through their stock of air duster. Robert Pry managed to get through 16 cans before he passed out in the back of the store. When employees found him he was covered in vomit and urine. He had also spent $100 on duster earlier in the day.
Unsurprisingly this didn’t go over well and pry has been charged with several crimes.
John McCain in Casino Royale
Yesterday our government continued hearings on the very serious and potentially deadly subject of whether or not America is going to enter into another foreign war. Despite the general disinterest in the subject in places like social media, where us regular folks tend to want to focus on the more mundane and less horrible things in life, you’d think at least government officials would be focused on this issue since it could very well lead to many more deaths, American and otherwise. So when John McCain gets photographed at these hearings playing poker on his phone instead of, you know, paying attention, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth. Especially since McCain has been on the side of going to war. Looks like he really gives a damn.
How did McCain respond? He made a joke about how it was a scandal that they caught him playing a gae during a 3 hour meeting, basically saying “it’s 3 boring hours, what do you expect?” Most people expected him to pay attention since he’s an elected official being paid with tax money to decide on the subject of imminent war, but whatevs.
The Nugget Heard ‘Round the World
The USDA is now allowing chickens to be slaughtered in the US, then shipped to China, cooked, then shipped back to the US. This is what is known in most circles as a curiously large waste of time and also a fast track to terrible illness.
While everyone may love General Tso’s chicken, the fact that China doesn’t have to follow US food safety regulations, and is the country where melamine (that stuff you make counter tops out of) was once being sold as baby formula, should be a big, fat warning to anyone who eats chicken that they do not want to eat chicken processed in China. Also, because the chicken is processed, there isn’t a guarantee it’s even American chicken. Could be from anywhere, how are we to know? Not like there are inspectors on site.
Government Porn Addiction
So McCain is a time waster in th US government, we get that, but don’t feel bad! Its not just the US government. The Huffington Post in the UK made a Freedom of Information request about the UK government and, according to the IT guys who run British Parliament, UK politicians try to look at porn at work 800 times a day. A day!
Over the last year there were over 300,000 attempts to view porn on government computers indicating it’s possible literally no politicians in the UK are aware of how computers work. The official reply to this news was that it’s not accurate and is including things like pop ups and auto refresh, so really if you just visited a porn site once at work, it may have counted as 10 visits thanks to those dang pop ups.