How’s everyone feeling today, news-hungry? Yeah you are. Here’s what’s buzzing around the internet today.
Exorcism, Florida Style
David Edward Benes is 54 years old. You know a story is going nowhere good when they include the middle name. Anyway, Benes lives with his girlfriend, who is 80. And also of note is that she was apparently possessed because, for two days, Benes tried to perform an exorcism on her. How do you do a home exorcism? Take the batteries out of the phone and garage door opener so no one can call for help or drive away, then get so drunk that by the time police do arrive after being called by who knows, you’re too drunk to remember what you did or why you did it.
Benes is being charged with domestic battery of a person over 65, which you may not have even know was a different crime than regular domestic battery, false imprisonment and tampering with a witness.
Sweden Says Yes To The Bad Touch
If this were to happen anywhere on Earth, it certainly seems like Sweden is the right place for it. Public masturbation is now A-OK in Sweden, a decision that will ensure no one ever takes the bus again. At least no one but those two or three guys who just had a great day yesterday.
Back in June, a 65 year old man went to the beach and was so moved by nature’s majesty he started working his crank in the ocean. He was charged with sexual assault (why not indecency? It’s Sweden, maybe nothing is indecent there) but a judge threw that charge out since the man hadn’t targeted a specific person in a ruling that makes the best use of the word “targeted” ever.
Basically, it’s been concluded that it can’t be a crime if you’re not directing it towards someone. What that means, only Swedes know. Do you need to point at someone at the same time (like, with your free hand)? Do you need to chase them? Hard to say. Regardless, if it’s just general wanking, you seem to be OK for now to do it in Sweden.
Grand Theft Auto? Try Grand Theft $800 Million
How big is Grand Theft Auto V, the latest game in the massively popular franchise from Rockstar Games? In one day, one 24 hour period, the game sold $800 million. The previous record holder in the franchise raked in $310 million, meaning 5 just obliterated some records and probably inspired a free pizza lunch over at Rockstar Headquarters.
It’s expected that, as the game gets released in Japan and Brazil where it hasn’t come out yet, the total haul will easily top $1 billion. Not bad, Rockstar.
Sword Fight With Mom
Two teens in Washington were arrested after one managed to convince the other that maybe he needed to try to kill his mom with a sword. The 13 year old swordsman said he was high on drugs because if he wasn’t he probably never would have tried to kill his mom with a sword, which is good to know. His friend also apparently tried to convince him to eat his mom after attacking her, although that went awry when the sword bent and the boys had to steal the friend’s father’s car. After a bit of a chase, including a hit and run and breaking and entering, a K9 unit tracked them down.
Maybe We Can Help Syria Get Rid of Chemical Weapons?
Either the President of Syria is completely insane or he’s just smugly hilarious, it’s hard to tell after his FOX News interview in which he literally said that he wants to get rid of Syria’s chemical weapons, but doing so would be very expensive since the chemicals are dangerous to the environment, so maybe the US could help with the billion or so dollars it would cost to remove them.
It’s possible this was said out of sheer, blissful ignorance, but odds are it was one of the greatest troll statements in the history of mankind. Considering the man may have actually gassed his own people, anything is possible.