Thursday already? My God, where does the week go? Oh, that’s right, into the past. Onto the future? Which is us retelling past events in the form of news!
UC Pepper Spray Trauma
Remember that video of the cop spraying pepper spray across protestors just sitting peacefully during an Occupy UC Davis protest? It was such a ridiculous image it became a meme, this chubby cop in riot gear hosing innocent people? Well that was so traumatic for him, he just received a worker’s comp deal worth $38,000. He suffered so much depression and anxiety as a result of people harassing him for being a total douche nozzle, you see, that he was crippled by it.
The victims of the pepper spray attack were part of a settlement as well that saw each of them awarded $30,000. So the trauma of pepper spraying innocent kids is apparently worth $8,000 more than the trauma of actually being pepper sprayed, which is good news for future jerks who aren’t sure if they should hose down strangers with a non-lethal weapon.
Breaking Bad & Stupid
You may be aware that some TV fans are a little more ridiculous than others. People have theme parties and viewing parties and all kinds of other silly things that, when scrutinized, make you seem a little insane. But this takes the cake – fans of Breaking Bad held a funeral for Walter White this weekend, who you may recall is not a real person and therefore didn’t really die. This didn’t stop fans from organizing a half assed fundraiser at the very real Sunset Memorial Park, at which numerous loiterers stood around on the graves of real people, including children, to celebrate the death of a man who never existed. This kept going until the families of the actual deceased began to complain because no one wants people partying on their children’s graves.
Organizers have since apologized because hindsight is 20/20 and the ability to figure that a party in a cemetery isn’t a good idea wasn’t obvious to everyone.
McResources are a McJoke
Seems that McDonalds offers all of its employees a helpful hotline called McResources for employees having financial troubles. What solutions do McResources offer? They tell you how to sign up for Medicaid and SNAP, the Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program, better known as Food Stamps. Why do you care about this? Because McDonalds is actively telling you to pay their employees. They won’t give a burger flipper a livable wage, but you and your taxes will take up the slack and McDonalds tells their employees how to do it. It’s not a tacit, lazy thing, it’s something they encourage. They know they don’t pay people enough and they know you and I will pay the difference with social assistance and that is McDisgusting.
Stripping for Cops
Two officers in Philadelphia are facing federal charges after forcing a woman to strip while one of the officers got himself off. Classy.
Former Police Officer Joseph Harvey and Officer Sean Cahill were arrested on Wednesday. Cahill covered for Harvey by telling investigators the other officer was never alone with the woman. Interesting, Harvey, the perv officer, is facing a year in prison and a $100k fine for deprivation of civil rights while Cahill, who covered for him, faces up to 5 years and a $250k fine for making a false statement. So remember that, it’s better to just degrade and sexually abuse someone than to lie about it.