Welcome to a new week and another week of the government shutdown. In honor of the government’s inaction we will no longer be covering actual “government” news, unless it’s something really monumental, or Joe Biden adopts a hippo.
EBT Is AOK
A computer glitch at Wal Mart lead to the stores issuing Electronic Benefit Cards that had no limits on them for the span of about two hours. What happens if someone gives you a card that’s supposed to have a limit of whatever your monthly government benefits are but instead is limitless? Do you think the people pointed out the error? Or chuckled at the amusing but obvious mistake and went about their business? Or did they try to buy the entire Wal Mart store, totally oblivious to how laws and money work?
For reasons unknowable to the common man, even though the stores had to call in police to manage the massive crowds of greedy swine literally emptying whole shelves into their carts, someone at Wal Mart HQ said the people could continue using the cards. This lasted a solid two hours until the error was fixed and some people, like a woman who racked up a $700 bill on a card with a $0.49 balance, were detained by police. Wal Mart said they would not press charges if she left what she had attempted to buy and just went home.
Employees were still restocking shelves from abandoned carts the next day after the cards came back online and shoppers just left whatever they had grabbed where it was. As for anyone who made purchases and left, Wal Mat noted they had monitored all transactions made during the shutdown, which means, rather than stopping people from overspending, they just tracked it and likely everyone who thought they got away with something is probably getting a visit from law enforcement this week and a bill in the mail from the State.
Zero Tolerance Strikes Again
Usually when a story invokes zero tolerance you’ll hear about a school blowing something little out of proportion to the detriment of a student. North Andover High School just went a step further and blew literally nothing out of proportion.
In this case, an honor student at North Andover got a call from a friend who was drunk at a party and needed a ride home. This girl wasn’t at the party, she was at home. So she drove to the party and picked up her friend. The cops should up and started citing people for underaged drinking or possession of alcohol. This girl was cleared because she had neither been drinking nor did she possess alcohol. Nothing happened to her. Until next week at school when they hit her with some zero tolerance nonsense, demoted her from Captain of the volleyball team and suspended her for 5 games.
A judge wouldn’t step in because they said the court didn’t have jurisdiction, which also means they can’t force the school administration to get their heads out of their asses either.
Die a Hero
It’s fairly well known that caffeine is actually toxic to humans, we just enjoy it in small enough doses that no one ever dies. Usually. This was not the case with John Jackson who had eaten a package of Hero Energy Mints. Although Jackson had liver cirrhosis which prevented him from being able to properly absorb the caffeine, his post-mortem indicated 155mg of caffeine per liter of blood while 10mg is an overdose.
The mints each contain slightly more caffeine than a can of Red Bull. A whole package of mints contains enough to kill a man with cirrhosis of the liver, apparently.
That’s a Lot of Chicken
Costco is recalling 40,000lbs of chicken due to salmonella risk in Northern California. This includes nearly 9,000 rotisserie chickens and several hundred chicken legs, chicken soup and chicken salad. The recall is happening now although the products were sold between September 11th and September 23rd meaning that probably a solid 39,000lbs of that chicken was already eaten.
Adrian Peterson? Scumbag?
You may have heard that Adrian Peterson’s son was murdered recently, but don’t let that get you feeling sorry for him or anything because the NYPost wants you to know he probably deserved it or something in what is one of the most mind-boggling sports editorials ever written. The gist of the piece is that Peterson isn’t a good person and he could have probably prevented that death if he had wanted to and maybe he’s the source of all unhappiness and despair in the world. No idea what crawled up Phil Mushnick’s butt, but it’s a rough read.