It’s Friday and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. Let’s celebrate with a heaping dose of the news!
Super Typhoon Haiyan
With sustained winds of 195 mph and gusts up to 235 mph, it’s believed Haiyan may be the strongest tropical storm to hit land in recorded history, its winds equivalent to a category 5 tornado. About 125,000 people in the Philippines have been evacuated to emergency shelters to prepare for flashfloods and landslides. The full level of devastation will not be known until Haiyan passes, but roads and towns were totally shut down preceding it as headwinds tore trees from the ground and spread debris across the country.
Biebs and Prostitutes
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Yesterday there was that terribly uninteresting video of a sleeping Justin Bieber filmed by a prostitute going around that the Bieber people quickly explained away as being footage from just some girl who was not a prostitute. That was until someone Googled that girl to find out yes, she is, in fact, a prostitute. Justin Bieber’s PR people lied? Well how could that have happened?
Here’s what you need to take away from this – Justin Bieber is a kid who was given all the money in creation in his teens and has literally no authority or direction in his life. His parents clearly have an never had much control, if you’ve seen pics of his douchebag dad you know what kind of home life he probably had, and now he’s a bajillionaire that 10s of millions of teen girls routinely sexually harass on Twitter. So, surprise, he became an entitled, ignorant punk with no rules awash in opulence and depravity. He’s a modern day Caligula because no one gave enough of a shit about him to put him in line because you don’t tell your meal ticket he’s an asshole, and now he’s far too sure of his own awesomeness to change behavior on his own. So yes, he bangs hookers in South America, and probably every other country on Earth, then lies about. He will likely do this for decades.
The real question is why he lies about it now. As Jimmy Kimmel proved not too long ago, his fans don’t care what atrocities he commits, his next album could be the audio track of him beating elderly people and kids would still buy it, and the rest of us know what kind of scumbag he is, so just own it. Hump a hooker and admit it, Biebs, no one cares anymore.
No Purses, Kiddo
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A 13 year old boy was suspended from his school in Kansas for carrying a purse to class. The school has indicated its policy that students aren’t allowed to have bags of any kind in core classes like English and Math. You can probably have all the purses you want in gym, however. When the student refused to not carry the purse, he was sent to the office and then suspended for his pursey crimes.
This already ludicrous story gets more preposterous when you realize the school apparently has no formal rule against purse carrying in classes and the student says female students do it all the time, not to mention he’s been doing it for months already. The school insists it has always been a rule, one they just apparently forgot to write down in the student handbook where all the rules are, but it’s really a rule and they won’t go back on it. They also claimed the next day, after the story became news, that the boy was suspended for foul language and not wearing a purse, even though his mother says the principal told her it was, in fact, for the purse. And the boy still refuses to take off the purse, so this debacle somehow became national news.
There is no 0 in New York
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New York school teachers are not allowed to grade on a 0-100 scale, the traditional scale meant to show, ya know, the full range of accomplishment from utter failure to perfection. Instead, teachers can’t hand out a grade lower than 55 for any reason, including if a student doesn’t even show up to do any work. So in New York, you don’t need to even attend school to get a mark of 55. Since you need a 65 to pass a semester, a student needs to pull an 85 on their first three marks to then never show up again and pass with a 65 average.
The reason for not using the full range of grades? A student with a low mark would have a tough time making up the grade. So if you fail, you’d have a tough time not being a failure as a result of your failure. But when you can’t go under 55, you’re never really a failure. You’re all equal charity case losers with unearned marks and a piss poor education, just like the school board intended.
Balls Are Too Dangerous, Try Squares Instead
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Sweden is home to bikini models and delicious meatballs. However, in an effort to curb what must be a terrible rash of wrist injuries resulting from rolling meat into balls, at least one Swedish highschool is dropping their balls in favor of squares. Meat will be pressed into pans and cut into squares now so that, when the cafeteria works get their hands on that meat, they don’t get carpal tunnel from extended ball-handling. This has been your daily, heartwarming ball story.