You made it to the middle of another week, give yourself a pat on the back as you endure a camel-themed joke from a coworker. And now, the news.
The Mayor of Toronto, Ontario, Canada has admitted to smoking crack and also doing so during one of “his drunken stupors.” He then iced this cake by saying he wasn’t going to quit his job because that’d let the people of Toronto down. If they want to get rid of him, they can vote for someone else during the election, which takes place in a year. The mayor who gets so blitzed drunk that he goes to drug dealers’ houses and smokes crack on camera has plans to get re-elected. Someone give this man a prize for being the most ignorant douche in politics today.
Bigfoot, Big Problems
A group of men went hunting for Bigfoot this weekend when something stupid happened. Can you believe it? Three men were arrested after one man was shot, accidentally, when someone heard “a barking sound” and reacted by simply firing blinding into what turned out to be his friend’s non-Bigfoot back. The group of genetic ubermen went on to tell police lies and/or conflicting stories about what happened, including the wife of the victim blaming it on someone else entirely, and the shooter’s father-in-law throwing the gun in a pond at some point.
Bigfoot was not harmed.
On Butt Violations in New Mexico
Yesterday we told you about a man who, after a routine traffic stop, was subjected to two x-rays, three rectal exams, three enemas and a colonoscopy, none of which he consented to and none of which tuned up drugs. As it happens, this isn’t the first time this went down in New Mexico and there’s even a morbidly hilarious twist! In both cases, a K9 officer, Leo the dog, tipped the officers to drugs in the victim’s butt. Both times that dog was wrong. Turns out Leo the dog isn’t certified as a police dog in New Mexico either . He had been trained but hasn’t been certified since 2011, despite needing it yearly, and the lawyer of the latest victim says there’s evidence the dog has given numerous false positives in the past. Oh, Leo, you crazy butt sniffer.
Big King vs Big Mac: Battles of the Big Burger
In a less than epic conflict that surely few care about, Burger King is re-introducing its Big King burger, which is exactly the same as a Big Mac, and hasn’t been seen at the restaurant since the 1990s. Featuring two all beef patties, special sauce, cheese, pickles, onions, lettuce and a sesame seed bun, the only thing that makes it different from a Big Mac is that it’s fire grilled like all Burger King burgers as opposed to heated over the burning embers of a clown like McDonalds burgers. Will this be the thing that tips the scales in Burger Kings favor? Will Burger King finally win the Burger Wars? Or will a Break editor, maybe even myself, hit up the Burger King and McDonalds down the street after work, buy one of each, fold them into one mega-burger and shamefully eat the whole thing whilst drinking alone at home? Time will tell.
Egyptian Pyramids in the Antarctic
This story is being reported here only because we read it here. It’s a short piece, very speculative, not a lot of info at all and open to all kinds of scrutiny. The gist? Some scientists somewhere think they found three pyramids in Antarctica. That’s swell and all, sounds a little shady but, and this is the important part and the reason we’re telling you about it – this is also a key plot point in the movie Alien vs Predator. We need to send down a rag tag team of explorers lead by Lance Henrikson right away, keep Danny Glover on standby in LA, Schwarzenegger in a jungle somewhere and Sigourney Weaver needs to get to the space station stat.