What did one camel say to the other camel? Nothing, they’re camels and don’t have vocal chords. Incidentally, it’s hump day, here’s the news.
Sex Toy Bandit?
A woman in Florida visited her local sex shop to apply for a job, leaving her full contact details before she left. However, shortly thereafter the clerk at the store noticed a $60 vibrator was missing from its display case. A quick review of the security footage showed the woman who had applied for the job hiding the vibrator in her pants.
When shown the footage by police, the woman, who had been extremely drunk, seemed surprised but admitted to the crime. By that time, however, the device was “used and was no longer in a condition to be returned to the business,” according to police. He added it hadn’t been cleaned. Gross. The woman was charged with retail theft.
Ve Vant Your Blood!
Drivers in Fort Worth were recently met with a police roadblock directing them to a parking lot. Once in the parking lot they were asked to submit to one of three test – a Breathalyzer, a mouth swab or a blood test, as part of a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration survey into impaired driving. They said the test was voluntary but of course the police stop you and pull you over to make you volunteer.
As a bonus, if you submit to a mouth swab you make $10 and if you go for the blood test it’s $50. Logic dictates drunks are probably not actually going to submit to any of those tests so the value of this entire roadside survey is a little wonky.
One driver said she wanted to drive through the voluntary checkpoint but an officer forced her to the parking lot first where she took a Breathalyzer test, assuming it would be the fastest and easiest way to get back on the road.
Eat the Ritz
A mother in Manitoba was fined (it was only $10, more of an insult, really) for improperly packing her kids’ lunches. See, in Manitoba, the government cares about nutrition and they demand every child have a lunch that follows Canada’s outdated and mostly unscientific food guide. To that end, when mom gave her kids roast beef, potatoes, carrots, oranges and milk, she was sending them on a hate spiral toward malnutrition, apparently, and the school was forced to leap in and supplement their lunches with Ritz Crackers, lest they die. The Food Guide, you see, demands at least one grain per meal.
As the mom pointed out, she could have sent the kids with processed mac and cheese, a hot dog, cheesestrings and fruit twists and met the Food Guide standards, but hey, no use fighting policy with logic. Also a fun side note is that the crackers probably had more fat and sugar than the entire meal from home. But whatever. Policy.
The Most Shameful Lawsuit Ever
A 10 year old girl is suing her mom’s ex-boyfriend for the return of a poodle after the girl and her mom moved out of his house and he refused to give the dog back to the little girl. It’s a little girl’s dog and she filed an actual, real lawsuit to get it back from some guy who can never be referred to as anything but Douchenozzle for the rest of his life for allowing this situation to get so far out of hand.
Rather than acquiescing to common sense, the man is taking the stance that the girl and her mom abandoned the dog to his care and he grew attached to it so he wants to keep it. He’s a dingus.
No Smartie Sniffing!
A 3rd grader has been suspended for the heinous act of crushing up Smarties candies and then snorting them. The 9 year old said he saw another student do it and seem to enjoy it so he figured he’d give it a try. Why? Kids are dumb, that’s why. Nonetheless, the school frowns upon pretending to be the Mayor of Toronto so the boy was tossed from school for a few days. Make sure you tell your kids not to jam candy in their nose is the lesson to be gleaned from this.