Is it Tuesday already? Well that’s just mundane. No one likes Tuesdays, they’re the least remarkable days in any given week. Let us read the news and forget today ever happened.
Get Your Fake Drink On
Good news, drunk-enthusiasts. A former government drug advisor says it’s possible to create a compound that precisely mimics the effects of being drunk – so you can still make terrible decisions about who to sleep with and tell unfunny jokes, with the added bonus of no ill health effects and it’s instantly reversible!
Comparing it to an e-cigarette, Professor David Nutt feels the idea could be seen as a health revolution but would face a lot of pressure from the alcohol industry, which wants you to get drunk the old, hangover way. We say anything that can sober you up in time for work is a grand idea.
The Oldest Animal Ever
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This story is about an ocean quahog, which is basically a clam, that scientists discovered in 2006. Why does anyone care about a clam from 7 years ago? It turns out that clam was the oldest living thing on earth, at about 507 years old, based on tests conducted on it. And while the bulk of the story about this little thing is how amazing that is, how it live at the time of Columbus, and how initially they got its age wrong, what is not addressed is how awful this is. Can you even imagine being a quahog for 500 years? These things sit in one place and just exist, that’s pretty much their entire life. And this particular one did it for 500 years. Nearly any other creature on earth would have benefitted more from being so long lived, anything with feet, for instance. But the longest-lived animal we have is a booger that lives in a shell. Ain’t that something?
8 Year Old Lung Cancer Victim
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An 8 year old girl in China has become perhaps the youngest person on earth to be diagnosed with lung cancer caused by pollution thanks to China’s epidemic air pollution problem. Smog is so routine in parts of China that many residents wear masks to go outside and photos depict cities that appear enshrouded in fog constantly. Pollution levels are often up to 40 times higher than is considered safe by the World Health Organization.
No TV for North Koreans or Else
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North Korea, land of insanity and nightmares, is at it again with a mystery source claiming nearly 100 people have been executed for watching foreign TV shows (and maybe for prostitution, too). Any TV from a capitalist country is forbidden in North Korea but, as you know, TV is pretty awesome so people keep watching it, despite this round of public executions, including one that took place in a stadium with 10,000 people forced to attend. It’s reported that some South Korean dramas are typically what North Koreans watch but, and imagine risking your life for this, Desperate Housewives is also very popular.
The Tasmanian Tiger Lives On. Maybe.
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Have you heard of the Tasmanian Tiger? They were thought to have gone extinct back in the 1930s when the last one in captivity died. A team of British naturalists, who probably have no authority to do so, have declared that the tiger lives on, however, citing evidence such as reliable witness testimony and poop. How can you tell if poop is from an animal thought to be extinct for 80 years and not literally any other animal on earth? Well, that’s a good question. For now, they’re sending the poop to be DNA tested.
Whlie it’s possible the group is right and the tigers do exist in remote parts of Tasmania in small numbers, it’s also worth noting that this same group of people have devoted time to proving that Bigfoot exists.