How’d Monday treat you, OK? Time to saddle up for Tuesday and get to work for real. We’ve got you covered with the news you need for today.
Real Cops Are Real Robbers
There’s been a rash of people dressed as cops robbing people lately in Detroit and now it turns out it’s not actually just some shlub in a cop uniform, it’s actual cops. Plot twist!
If anyone’s expecting Detroit to be in the news for something pleasant, keep on wishing. Someone taped the latest robbery and police actually recognized one of their own on the tape. They were then quick to point out that, even though there have been a string of cops robbing people lately, they feel pretty sure the other robberies weren’t by these two real cops. Because really, what are the odds these two real cops would ever rob someone? You know, other than the people they were caught on tape robbing.
Boom Goes the Propane Plant
A propane plant in Florida exploded late last night and despite early reports of numerous missing employees and fatalities, the latest word is that no one has died and management is confident all employees are now accounted for. Two employees are seriously injured however, and several more suffered less serious injuries. No word yet on why the explosion occurred.
The Weiner Saga Continues
If we were a more cynical bunch, we’d start questioning if Anthony Weiner’s entire run for mayor of New York were some kind of distraction technique or PR move by an entirely different candidate, since he seems like the singularly worst person to ever run for public office in the United States since that guy who wears a boot for a hat. Nothing he does is done well, and he’s in the news every single day for doing something terrible.
Today, Weiner is making the news again for dodging questions about whether or not he’s sexting anyone currently. Listen, it doesn’t matter. If you aren’t supremely confident that, if this man were elected mayor, every woman on the Eastern seaboard would be regularly looking at pics of his junk in a mayor’s sash, then you’re just not paying attention.
No Swearing, Comrade
Russia is unhappy that the internet is all free and full of freedom and freeness and is now setting down some rules to limit behavior like swearing, because Russia will not stand for foul language. They’ll stand for politicians using the government as their own personal tool of vengeance and imprisoning people just for speaking out or holding different points of views, and they may beat gay people to near death on a regular basis, and they engage in insurance fraud on such a routine basis that everyone has a camera on their car to protect against it, but no swearing!
Miley the Pot Pusher
Miley Cyrus is becoming an unofficial spokesperson for weed, proclaiming her love for the ganj while espousing the virtues of Bob Marley and trashing alcohol. According to Hannah Montana, she gets nice and mellow on weed and feels none of that anger like when she drinks, which basically tells us Miley is an angry drunk, apparently. She also says she’s never seen anyone spiral down with weed like they do with alcohol. Listen, we’re not going to say she’s wrong or right about pot, but if she’s never seen a burned out pothead with no ambition she’s not been smoking it that long.