Welcome to Thursday, that pest of a day that has to pad out the week ensuring Friday doesn’t get here quite soon enough. Lucky for you this is pretty much all you’ll need to know for the entire day.
America Lacks a Functional Democracy
At least according to Jimmy Carter. According to Germany. This is a weird story from the German media that the US media is choosing to not cover basically at all, which in itself is another notch in the belts of the conspiracy nuts who’ve been wearing their foil hats ever since Edward Snowden came forward.
Former President Carter supports what Edward Snowden has done and believes US surveillance has gone too far to the point that, yes, he said we no longer have a functional democracy. Maybe no one cares what Jimmy Carter thinks anymore, but you’d figure it’s sort of a big deal for an ex-president to make a statement like that.
Satan and the Westboro Baptist Church
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Try to find a story more designed for sensationalism than this one. Satanists from New York went to the grave of Catherine Idalette Johnston, mother of Fred Phelps Jr (founder of the Westboro Baptist Church) to perform a same sex marriage. On her grave. For the express purpose of making the ghost of the dead woman gay as well.
On the one hand, if you feel there’s a certain sanctity and respect afforded to the dead and their graves, this is pretty outrageous. On the other, this is probably the most hilariously creative thing anyone’s ever done to troll Westboro ever. When’s the last time you felt like buying a beer for a Satanist?
The event was called a Pink Mass, which is charming, and actually happened twice – two gay men got married, and then two lesbians. Just to make sure it was as gay as possible.
Invisible Alien Probes Could Already be Here
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Because science is nothing if not uselessly thorough sometimes, mathematicians have analyzed the potential for self replicating alien probes to be in our solar system already. And the potential is real! And the probes could be so advanced they’re invisible! And one time they saw a probe while they were fishing and it caused them to lose this fish that was like 20 feet long, no lie!
How to Cook a Picasso
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Last year someone made off with tens of millions of dollars worth of art from a gallery in Europe, including paintings by Monet, Matisse and Picasso. Those are some big names. Today, researchers are picking through the ashes found in a stove belonging to the mother of one of the suspects to see if she burned the art to hide evidence against her son. So that’s a scumbag thing to do.
It’s Comic Con!
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The San Diego Comic Con starts today, so maybe you should go. Just kidding, tickets sold out within about 45 minutes way back when they went on sale months and months ago. Nonetheless, tons of hardcore nerds, plus even more tons of people who pretend to be nerds for business purposes will be in attendance to make their favorite stars feel uncomfortable, to stand in endless lines, to buy overpriced beverages and to ogle hot girls dressed like superheroes. It’s one of the greatest things our society has ever done.