Welcome to Humpday everyone, here’s all the news that’s fit to print. Or at least all we’re going to print.
Don’t Hassel the Hoff
Cumberland Farms stores are run by advertising geniuses. As such, they printed up 600 signs featuring David Hasselhoff drinking iced coffee, failing at singing and other assorted Hasselhoffian things full of kitsch value. All 600 signs were stolen last year. This year they printed 1200 and the same thing started happening, people are stealing the signs like it’s their job.
Last night at 1 am, one clerk had had enough. As he watched a would-be thief loading the Hoff into an SUV he leapt into action, sprinting after the vehicle. He was then promptly struck and dragged by the SUV before falling to the side on his head. No word on an arrest but the story reads like maybe this dude actually committed a hit and run and made off with the Hoff, potentially at the expense of someone else’s life. Harsh.
North Korea is Hell on Earth
We make fun of North Korea because the tiny tyrants that have historically run the country seem to be comically inept at doing anything beyond their own borders to intimidate anyone at all, but it’s worth remembering some people are stuck within those borders and what’s funny to us is a nightmare they have to endure because it’s either that or die. Nowhere is this more clear than at the current UN hearings being held in South Korea about what goes on up North.
Former prisoners of the North have detailed excruciating torture, public executions are a daily routine and the depths to which the authority in that country sinks are probably worse than you could guess. Survivors have been sharing stories of guards removing fingers for the crime of dropping things and a mother forced to drown her own baby in a bowl of water.
Don’t Buy Bulletproof Backpacks
After some of the last school shootings (how sad is it you can lump them together because it happens that often?) someone out there decided they could make a buck off of misery and paranoia by marketing bulletproof school supplies to worried parents, because where would we be without opportunistic scumbags who pretend to be helping others?
As it turns out, safety experts don’t recommend bulletproof backpacks for your kids because they’re a little bit useless. For instance, most kids take off their backpacks and leave them in the hall during school hours. Plus you only wear them on your back, which leaves a good portion of the rest of you exposed.
Experts recommend drilling students on safety procedures, how to quickly and efficiently get away from danger, having well trained staff who know what to do in a crisis and other such plans would be far more effective, but hey, at $100 a piece, security companies aren’t going to tell you to not buy their backpack inserts.
Tesla Motors Makes Super Cars
Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, must fall asleep on a giant pile of money every night with a big smile on his face and he’s earned it. After years of critics calling Tesla a terrible idea and many still refusing to allow the sale of their electric cars on car lots, the cars, which are being sold pretty much faster than the company can make them, are now crushing safety tests as well. The Tesla Model S is basically the safest car in the world. It received not only a 5 star rating on every safety test conducted by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, the car actually destroyed some of the machines used to conduct the tests.
In one test designed to see what force is needed to crush the roof of a car, the machine itself was unable to exert enough pressure on the Model S to determine when the roof would cave in. After 4 gs, the machine itself broke, which means you could stack 4 more of the same car on top of the Model S and it still wouldn’t be crushed. What this means for the scrap yard industry and crushing future junked Teslas is unknown.
Remember Detroit? Used to be a city in Michigan. Now it’s a relic of days gone by that is apparently completely overrun with stray dogs. And to become newsworthy for being overrun by stray dogs, you need to appreciate how many dogs that must be. In this case, estimates are around 50,000. 50,000 dogs are roaming through Detroit and in some places are so aggressive that the Post Office has suspended mail delivery because it’s unsafe for postal workers to be there.
The best part about this story, which is actually pretty sad when you think about it since it means thousands of people just abandoned their pets when times got tough in the city, is that it’s not all packs of wolf-like hounds and pitbulls loose in town. It’s all kinds of dogs. Roving packs of poodles and Chihuahuas, pugs and Papillion’s. They’re out there. Loose.