Settle into the work week with some of the best hand picked news stories that people on “social media” are all buzzing about, so you can at least feign familiarity when they start talking about them.
No Heart for 15 Year Old
Anthony Stokes is a 15 year old kid from DeKalb, Georgia who needs a new heart to live. Being 15 you’d figure he’d be high priority on a transplant list and normally you’d be right, except the hospital feels Anthony is a non-compliance risk and as such are denying him a transplant. Non-compliance means they feel that, historically, he has shown he can’t be trusted to follow the rules and take care of himself – go for follow up visits and take his prescribed medication. In a 30 year old this would make sense, hearts are hard to come by and there’s no need to waste one on someone who will ignore their healthcare providers and allow themselves to get sick by not doing what they’re told. But this is a kid, what history do they mean? He didn’t take medicine when he was 12? No kid does. This is why we don’t let kids sign contracts, get jobs or make huge life decisions, they’re young and stupid. They need guidance. And, in Anthony’s case, he needs a damn heart.
There is No Racism in Switzerland
The clerk from the store where Oprah Winfrey says she was denied access to an expensive handbag on racist grounds now wants you to know Oprah is a dirty liar. But not because she’s black. Just because she’s a dirty liar.
According to the clerk, she was very kind and helpful to Oprah and also isn’t such a dumb European rube that she didn’t recognize one of the richest and most famous women in the world when she came into the store. She would also like you to know that the accusations have ruined her life and something else to make you try to sympathize with a story that has, at its core, a $40,000 handbag. Don’t feel bad for anyone here.
Paula Deen is Not a Racist
Like Switzerland, Paula Deen is not racist, at least according to a judge who just threw out the discrimination lawsuit filed against the cooking network butter queen. OK, so she might still be a racist, that whole thing she said about dressing up black servants civil war-era style was weird, but she didn’t discriminate against that woman who sued her anyway. That may be because the woman who is suing her is white and she’s just doing t on behalf of minorities that she knows. Wish we were kidding.
Kanye and The Million Dollar SUVs
Who else but Kanye West would go to Latvia to buy two million dollar SUV’s that are fully armored? Maybe someone who needs a fully armored car? We don’t know. But the point is Kanye can finally drive through all those bullet-riddled war scenes that are on his way to the In n Out Burger, or whatever it is he thinks requires fully armored vehicles. In other news, Kanye West is just a musician and not a major world leader.
In case you were curious the answer is yes, these cars come with fake whale penis leather. Because the real stuff would be cruel, but the fake stuff is just aces.
The Key to Happiness
Pictured: Someone else who seems really happy.
Hard to say if this is a sad story or not – Malcolm Myatt is 63 years old and a few years back suffered a stroke. The result of that stroke is that Myatt’s brain no longer registers sadness. Nothing makes him sad, he’s just a happy guy all the time. On the one hand that could be awesome because he’s probably always able to cheer you up and he’s never getting bummed out about anything. On the other hand, whenever anything tragic happens, he’s going to be the asshat who seems totally unsympathetic and is physically incapable of feeling bad about it. That in itself should make him feel sad, but he can’t feel that way! What a twisted emotional state to be in.