The Daily Wrap: August 12th

With any luck your weekend was full of mirth and merriment and you didn’t require any police intervention.  Whatever happened, here’s the news you’ll need to start the week all over again.

Florida: The Sinkhole State

About 10 minutes away from Walt Disney World is a charming resort 15 feet underground.  It didn’t used to be but sometime late last night guests complained of loud rumbling and windows breaking.  After everyone was evacuated, one of the buildings at the Summer Bay Resort sank into the ground while a couple of others just fell flat.

According to reports, one woman was in the tub when it started going down and only had time to grab a pair of shorts after the tub started levitating.  Levitating tubs, people.  That’s impressive.


Mac the Guy: Robber

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Three criminals almost pulled off a robbery that had convinced the victims they were white when, in fact, they were not white.  All three had paid for ‘Mac the Guy’ masks from Composite Effects, a special effects company that has done work on films in the past, and were convincingly of another race.  That’s right, turns out when you put on a mask you can disguise yourself while committing crimes. Hope no one else figures this out.

As for the robbers, they were still caught due to numerous other mistakes they made, but the masks were apparently inspired choices.


Testicle Eating Fish in Sweden

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Sometimes a headline is all you need, isn’t it?  No?  OK, so there’s a South American fish called a pacu that’s related to the piranha only instead of sharp, evil teeth it has oddly human teeth.  And, because nature is unkind, it has a habit of biting testicles.  And while that’s all fine and good, it looks like the fish is in Sweden now.  South America, Sweden, you can see how that would confuse a fish.  Authorities have responded by recommending men swimming in waters where the fish have been caught keep their shorts on.  Which is good advice at the best of times.


Family Hates America, Gets Lost at Sea

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What do you do if you have a problem with the country you live in?  If you’re a member of the Gastonguay family you pack your stuff in a boat and head to sea in an effort to move to the island nation of Kiribati.  Because why not?

The Gastonguays are a religious family and don’t approve of America’s penchant for abortion and gays and the state-run church which apparently run rampant in their neighborhood.  So they went sailing and got lost at sea before being rescued by a Venezuelan fishing boat.   Now the US Embassy is sending them back home where they can hatch a new plan to escape the terrible persecution of the country that’s saving their lives.


Get Ready For Shorter Drug Sentences

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For years it’s been the butt of jokes that someone with a small amount of pot can get mandatory prison time of who knows how many years , but that might actually change as the government slowly comes to the realization that someone with a joint may not be a drug kingpin and doesn’t require years in prison.

In an effort to ease the burden on prisons, no-violent offenders with no ties to gangs will finally be treated like real people instead of like Scarface and maybe get out of prison before they hit retirement age.  It’s not quite decriminalization but it’s something.