All hail Thursday, herald of Friday and nearly the end of the week. Man, after today you’re practically expected to drink at work. Please don’t take this as an endorsement of alcoholism. Always drink responsibly. Also, always read the news.
Rob Ford: Canada’s Winner
There’s no reason the mayor of Canada’s largest city should keep getting in the news but dammit if the man doesn’t have a penchant for constantly doing something slightly more illegal than the last thing he did. This time he’s graduated from crack to pure cocaine and hookers. According to testimony from former staffers (that’s plural) as well as other witnesses, last St. Patrick’s Day Ford decided to celebrate his Irish spirit by snorting a few lines of cocaine in a private room at a restaurant with some ladies who only pretend to like you when you pay them.
None of these allegations are proven, but they are part of police documents that were part of an investigation into someone other than the mayor, so all the mayor parts had been redacted, until the kind of stuff the mayor does in his spare time became public interest. Is there a chance this info is untrue? Sure. Just like there’s a chance Bigfoot is really out there.
Area 51 Declassified
The NSA, taking a break from listening to you dirty talk your internet girlfriend, released some declassified documents about Area 51from the 1960s and 1970s. As you expected, they detail extensive research into the search for alien technology and the experimentation on a ship of unknown origin. Ha, no, that never happened. Instead they’re mostly about researching Soviet technology and how well an enemy like the Soviets might be able to spy on the base and determine what went on there if one of their satellites had reconnaissance abilities. No offense dude, but there’s no UFOs on earth.
Sue the Hero?
A man in Pennsylvania was on his way to the store when two masked men with guns came out and confronted him. It was clear what had just happened, the two men had robbed the store and were trying to get away. This random citizen, legally carrying his own sidearm, stopped the men and told them to wait for police. The robbers drew their own weapons. The citizen drew first and shot them both dead.
The families of the two dead men want to see this citizen held criminally responsible for shooting the two robbers and they want to sue him as well. It’s their contention that the two robbers weren’t really bad guys. Sure they were robbing a store and they had guns and security camera footage indicates if that mad hadn’t shot first they were going to shoot him, but who cares?
The best part of the story (if there’s a best part to two fools being shot dead for their terrible decision) is that the brother of one told the media her brother was a good kid. You have to wonder where she was raised or what she was drinking that she was in a state of mind to defend her criminal brother, who was about to murder a guy, as a good kid.
R U Dateable? R U a Douche?
Schools have a long, proud history of getting speakers to come into classrooms who have no business talking to children. Such is the case in this latest incident in Texas when motivational speaker and guy who is apparently a complete jackass Justin Lookadoo gave students at Richardson Highschool near Dallas a talk on what makes you dateable. So what makes a highschool kid dateable? Well, Lookadoo assures you, in the eyes of God, a dateable girl knows when to shut up, because God made boys the leaders for a reason. And what about boys? Here’s a quote from his website – “Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.” Hey ladies, who dressed you this morning?
As you might expect, the kids at school didn’t enjoy this presentation and quickly the hastag #lookadouche as born on Twitter. Man, dude’s never going to live that down.
Is Andy Kaufman Still Alive?
A lot of people have suspected over the years that comedian Andy Kaufman, known for being just shy of insane and extremely hard to predict, may have faked his own death back in 1984. Even the Jim Carrey biography Man on the Moon lends some weight to the theory. And now Kaufman’s brother has come right out and said it – Kaufman is alive.
According to Michael Kaufman, Andy faked his death and, in 1999, sent him a letter confirming he was still alive. He had left Hollywood behind and was a family man, he had a wife, he had a daughter. A woman claiming to be his 24 year old daughter spoke at an event in Kaufman’s honor and claimed he worked from home, helped her mom, cooked meals and was an all around good, stay at home dad.
Is it true? No one knows. Kaufman was known for hoaxes, it’s unknown if his brother was pranking the audience or someone pranked him. And we may never know.