The Break 2013 FAP Draft

The goal of NFL teams in the draft is to get players that’ll help them achieve the ultimate goal: a championship. Much like that, Break’s goal is to draft women that’ll help us, and you, achieve the ultimate goal: a good ol’ fap. Countless hours of research were put into this list (or for one Break editor who we won’t name [Mark], minutes) and we believe it to be the best FAP draft we’ve ever had.

Of course, there will be disagreements. Not everyone’s FAP is equal. But we believe this list is a comprehensive and supremely effective FAP draft.

 

32. Shakira

Athletic. Strong. Talented. Hips don’t lie.

 

31. Olivia Munn

[[contentId: 2437454| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 465px; height: 750px;]]

Nerd fantasy. Cool. Not afraid to get weird.

 

30. Alice Eve

[[contentId: 2437455| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 524px;]]

Like a new Jane Fonda. Sassy. Neat.

 

29. Kari Byron

[[contentId: 2437456| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 500px;]]

As part of the Mythbuster team, Kari has made our brains flutter with knowledge while making our pants flutter with other emotions.

 

28. Carly McKinney

[[contentId: 2437457| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 198px;]]

This 10th-grade math teacher made waves earlier this year by being awesome on Twitter and upsetting some uptight officials.

 

27. Katie Sunshine

[[contentId: 2397398| data-allowvote: false]]

Break’s 2012 Woman of the Year knows how to use a hula hoop, that’s for sure.

The list continues on the next page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

26. Katy Perry

[[contentId: 2437458| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 460px; height: 600px;]]

She’s great and probably should be higher on this list. However, we can’t get over the fear of what Russell Brand might have left behind with her…

 

25. Betty White

[[contentId: 2437459| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 500px; height: 257px;]]

Now, we know you’re probably saying, “But Break! Why isn’t Betty White in the top 10!?” All we can say is her age, experience, and solid set of glutes made her placement one of the fiercest battles we had.

 

24. Megan Fox

[[contentId: 2437460| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 360px; height: 480px;]]

We mean old Megan Fox. Not the new one that’s done plastic surgery to her face and looks kinda like a Real Doll.

 

22. Rebel Wilson

[[contentId: 2437461| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 535px; height: 392px;]]

She’s the next mega popular Hollywood star. She’s really funny, can sing, and isn’t afraid to be self-deprecating. She also comes off as dominating, which is kinda hot.

 

23. Eva Mendes

[[contentId: 2437462| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 620px; height: 465px;]]

Great actress. Funny. Neat looking. Complete package. Her 40 is a little slow, though.

The list continues on the next page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

21. Emma Stone

[[contentId: 2437463| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 250px;]]

Who doesn’t like Emma Stone? Terrorists, that’s who.

 

20. Paulina Gretzky

[[contentId: 2437464| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 554px; height: 520px;]]

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter is good at Twitter as you can see from this gallery and this gallery.

 

19. Zoe Saldana

[[contentId: 2437465| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 460px; height: 600px;]]

This was a controversial pick not because of who she is, but because one of our editors doesn’t appreciate her depiction of Uhura in the new Star Trek films. We punched him in the face.

 

18. Sara Jean Underwood

[[contentId: 2437466| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 606px; height: 403px;]]

We spent a good 45 minutes coming up with jokes about “wood” and “underwood” and “Sara Jeaning Our Underwood” but eventually, we realized we were talking about erections more than women and moved on.

 

17. Stacy Keibler

[[contentId: 2437467| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 300px;]]

She’s been given the “George Clooney Seal Of Approval” and we can definitely see why.

The list continues on the next page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

16. That girl at the gym in those yoga pants

[[contentId: 2437468| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 446px;]]

You know that one? Yeah, her. She’s great.

 

15. Jessica Alba

[[contentId: 2437469| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 500px; height: 275px;]]

She might have faded away over the last few years, but she’ll never fade away from the FAP portion of our hearts…

 

14. Emilia Clarke

[[contentId: 2437470| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 253px;]]

There are many reasons to watch Game of Thrones, but she’s a big one. A big, hot reason.

 

13. Susan Sarandon and Eva Amurri Martino

[[contentId: 2437471| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 400px;]]

A mother-daughter combination everyone can get behind.

 

12. Aubrey Plaza

[[contentId: 2437472| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 595px; height: 436px;]]

She seems like the type that’ll slap you a lot. And that’s okay by us.

The list continues on the next page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

11. Lana Kane

[[contentId: 2437473| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 300px; height: 401px;]]

This animated beauty makes something else animated… our pants.

 

10. Helen Mirren

[[contentId: 2437474| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 240px; height: 360px;]]

Something about seeing her shoot guns in Red really, really did it for us.

 

9. Emma Watson

[[contentId: 2437475| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 500px; height: 270px;]]

She now makes it awkward to watch the first five Harry Potter movies…

 

8. Marisa Miller

[[contentId: 2437476| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 377px;]]

There’s nothing bad about Marisa Miller. Nothing. Not one thing. That’s science.

 

7. Jennifer Lawrence

[[contentId: 2437477| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 300px; height: 450px;]]

One of the best actresses working today and super, smoking hot.

The list continues on the next page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

6. Sofia Vergara

[[contentId: 2437478| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 571px;]]

Honestly, we don’t know what she’s saying half of the time, but that’s okay.

 

5. Mila Kunis

[[contentId: 2437479| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 454px;]]

Who knew she’d be the one from “That 70’s Show” still working regularly today?

 

4. Scarlett Johansson

[[contentId: 2437480| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 413px;]]

Bewbs.

 

3. Christina Hendricks

[[contentId: 2437481| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 350px; height: 526px;]]

The hottest redhead a live today. You’ll most likely agree unless you have a fast food fetish. In that case, you’d disagree and be weird. And probably morbidly obese.

 

2. Oliva Wilde

[[contentId: 2437482| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 300px; height: 347px;]]

What can be said about Olivia Wilde that isn’t already said in this artisitc GIF?

Who is #1? Find out on the last page!

[[———— Page Break ————]]

[[contentId: 2437483| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 400px; height: 350px;]]

[[contentId: 2437484| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 450px; height: 253px;]]

[[contentId: 2437485| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 500px; height: 281px;]]

[[contentId: 2437486| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 360px; height: 240px;]]

[[contentId: 2437487| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 253px; height: 337px;]]

Kate Upton is our number one choice in the 2013 Break FAP Draft. And how could she not be? The moment she came on the scene, we invested in sweatsock stock and we’ve been raking in cash ever since.