Another Christmas has come and gone and that means if you didn’t get what you wanted, you can buy it for yourself at a low, low price. So if you’re still disappointed that you opened that big package under the tree with your name on it and weren’t greeted by a stack of neatly packed cow dung patties, Amazon can still make sure you have a merry post-Christmas.
The online retailer and company that will one day enslave us all with their army of package drones announced that they are selling cow dung cakes to their customers. The product offer isn’t a gag gift. It’s for Hindus who use them to fuel fires for cooking and spiritual rituals and really sick bastards who still think making their friends eat poop disgused as a burger is funny.
Believe it or not (and I never thought I’d write this sentence in my lifetime), poop is not the strangest thing that Amazon has made available to its customers.
Have you ever wondered how doctors and rabbis train for that first snip that lets baby boys know that the world is a cruel, confusing and unfair place? They practice on these creepy dolls that look like they are stored under the childhood bed of a future serial killer.
2. Face Slimmer
No one likes having a fat or wide face that looks like a fishing hook should be sticking out of it. That’s why the makers of the Finger Straightener, the Elbow Shaver and the Sack Iron invented the Face Slimmer, a silicone mold that fits around the mouth for “strengthening muscles of facial expression not so used in daily life.”
Tired of looking at that drab wall with nothing on it because you’ve already hung up your collection of posters of doctored autopsy photos of “Frasier” star Kelsey Grammer and notable ferret spleens? Then complete your collection of signs of impending mental illness with this creepy wall decal of microscopic sperm stored in a rat’s testes.
How many times has this happened to you? You’re hankering for a handle of baby eels after a long day of wandering the streets and muttering about how the Baron stole your dandilions but your store never carries them and threatens to call the police if you keep asking them when they’ll have them in stock. Amazon has you covered with a healthy supply of El Angeulero Frozen Baby Eels, the official frozen baby eel seller of the 2020 Winter Olympics.
Pigs may wallow in their own filth and never have to worry about things like taxes or the growing geopolitical unrest in the wake of Greek austerity measures but they get stressed out just like the rest of us. So if you’re future slab of bacon is feeling stressed, maybe acupuncture will perk them up and you can practice enacting their pressure points on this medically approved dummy.
Every woman with a drinking problem knows the struggle and looks you get when you try to sneak a drink from your favorite flask. Now no one can know that you struggle with alcoholism and won’t bother to ask when they see you chugging Daddy’s remedy for everything from one of your tampons.
Lady bugs never seem to be around when you really them, even if you stand on top of your apartment building with no pants and trying to summon them by screaming “LADYBUG!” as loud as you can. Amazon will send you a jar of pre-fed lady bugs that you can use to keep the aphids out of your garden or whatever someone might do with them that will haunt of my future dreams.
Superworms are another one of God’s creatures that don’t come when you call them so you can end their life by feeding them to your pet iganua that you’ve named after Margaret Thatcher. Now you and “Maggie” can enjoy these creepy crawly delicacies through the magic of mail and your horrified mailman who learned an important lesson about never opening your mail ever again.
Oxygen may be all around us but it’s so hard trying to bottle the stuff so you can stockpile for the inevitable day when God accidentally lets his Roomba run over the Earth and suck up all of our breathable air. Now you can enjoy that delicious aroma of odorless oxygen where ever you go with this can of 95 percent pure oxygen that even comes with an ergonomically designed mask (for use around human mouths and noses only).
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and parrot podiatrist trainer. He can be found on Twitter @thisisdannyg.