Yes, I was going to write a list of people that you’ll meet at a Superbowl party and I was going to include the hardcore fan, and the girl who knows nothing about football, and the guy who only watches the Superbowl but not the regular season, and the fatty who just came for snacks, and then I’d spend 5 hours trying to pad the list out to 10 entries whilst drinking and watching Netflix. And then I realized 90% of all websites make this list every single year and have done so since about 2007. So it seems like I’d be more helpful to you if I just listed the types of lists instead of adding another one to the pile. You can thank me with beer.
The Bare Bones
This is it, this is the list that may as well be every other list because it didn’t even try to be different in any way. It’s a stalwart of any site remotely with a “men’s interest” bent and is, for all intents and purposes, a sacrifice to the SEO gods. How much of a cliché is this list? Even the NFL.com has one of these on their site. That’s like Kanye West tweeting about what a douche he is, it’s a total shark jumping moment.
The Negative List
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Apparently you invited nothing but assholes to your party and all your friends are human trash. These lists will confirm for you that you should never have thrown a party for this Superbowl and probably for any reason ever because obviously if these are your friends, you’re as bad or worse.
The Fun List
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It’s a funny video (or not so funny) with a cute girl in it or an amusing graphic or anything besides 10 bullet points so who cares what the point is, it’ll be shared profusely because it’s presented differently than other lists.
The List That Tried to be Different
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This list was written by someone who Googled the topic first, saw all the cliché entries on every list, and tried to make their list slightly different. The result of which is entries like “The Pessimistic Dinosaur” or “Guy who bet on too many prop bets” who I challenge you to prove has ever been at anyone’s Superbowl party. Worth noting that any list that tops 20 entries is pretty much guaranteed to just be pulling things out of its ass. Either that or you live in a mid-90s teen drama populated by nothing but vague stereotypes.
The Traffic Grab List
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This site cares less about sports than anyone with half a brain does about Donald Trump’s opinions. Nonetheless, Superbowl sure sounds like a good SEO term so you better get it on your website somewhere.
The Time Warp List
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Man, remember when Ray Lewis was a thing? Or when HDTV was newish? So do these lists that are mildly applicable to the Superbowl from the year they were written and then wholly applicable to no Superbowl. Newly engaged couples? And a guy who laughs at Cialis ads? Since when?
The Grandfather List
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This thing was written in 2007! It’s 7 years later and every list is 80% the same as this one.
If you were keeping count, that’s 30 lists I linked in here, 30 different people telling the same joke for the past 7 years. Keep an eye out for next year when, if this list shames everyone likes I hope it will, I’ll be the only one with a 2015 list!
Ian Fortey played football in highschool until a debilitating lack of skill sidelined him. Learn more @IanFortey