The 5 Worst Kinds of Roommates

A good roommate is like a best friend who never leaves – you party together, you hang out together and you share the blame for every fire equally, just as it should be.  But a bad roommate is a walk through hell.  Everything that was supposed to be awesome about having your own place is at the mercy of this d-bag and their face-palming shenanigans .  Here are the 5 worst.

The Borrower

This guy seems fun at first until you realize one day that he took your razor, your mac and cheese, the last can of beer, and your pillow because his ass gets numb when he plays Call of Duty and he needed something to sit on.

You foolishly let him borrow those first couple of things and set a precedent and now when you ask for anything back you somehow end up feeling like a dick while he rifles through your laundry to find clean boxers because all of his have stains.

The Shut In Gamer

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This guy seemed cool when he showed up with a PS3, Xbox and a Wii U (for when girls come over) and a stack of games to the ceiling, but now it’s become clear he shuns natural light more than a vampire and has no intention of ever going outside again since you can order new games from Amazon.

You get home from a day out and are treated to stereo surround sound, HD picture of this dude playing Assassin’s Creed, but only for 10 more minutes, he promises.  That 10 minutes becomes four hours and you have no idea what’s happening on Walking Dead anymore because you haven’t had access to the TV in a month.

Slobby Bobby

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He’s a riot at parties, maybe because he reminds you of that funny fat guy in every movie, but bring him home and it becomes clear by day two when there are chicken wing bones in the sofa and the toilet has yet to be flushed that this guy has never cleaned up after himself in his life and has no intention of starting now.

Even if you bite the bullet and clean up the rest of the apartment, the pork shrine he calls a room stink likes pickle brine and shame and the keyboard on his computer looks like Chester Cheetah splooged all over it.  It’s a no man’s land and everyone who enters the apartment will think you condone it.

Little Big Man

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This guy was raised in a household that didn’t allow TV or games and probably had ice milk instead of ice cream.  He’s chronologically the same age as you but inside of him beats the decrepit, uptight heart of an ancient, crotchety old man.  He labels all his canned goods and keeps them organized and facing out in the cupboard.  That fork you used to grab a pickle from the jar?  He will carry it out to the livingroom to show it to you so you know it’s yours to clean since he’s now finished his dishes and would like the sink area clean.  The plunger you used to unclog the toilet?  That’s his plunger for his clogs, please get your own to avoid cross contamination and don’t you dare ever ask what that means or you’ll just get an angry stare.


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This guy will have his girlfriend over all the time to the enjoyment of no one.  Alone he’s your best friend, with her he’s a whipped loser who brings everyone down because he’s the only one who can’t see what a terrible human being she is in every conceivable way. You want to go see the new Evil Dead?  No, because Yoko wants to go see the new Reese Witherspoon movie.  Should we have steak and beer for dinner tonight?  No, because Yoko thinks we should go gluten-free vegan.  We’re having some people over tonight, sound cool?  No, Yoko is studying to get her certificate in Reiki and needs some quiet time.