The 5 Dumbest Ways People Are Getting Drunk

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on Feb. 07, 2013

Let's say the obvious right now: don't do any of these things. They are all very, very stupid.

Maybe it's no longer cool to drink alcohol or beer? "You know who drinks? My stupid parents. I don't want to be lame like them! I don't want to be in a sexless marriage and stuck in a lame office job! LET'S SHOVE VODKA TAMPONS IN OUR ASSES AND LIVE!"

But these morons hate normal metabolic processes and regular bodily functions and would rather get drunk by alternative means. Here are the five dumbest ways you can get drunk. And again, don't do these. Drink responsibly. Through your mouth.

5. Drinking Hand Sanitizer

I guess you could lump in all alcohol-based bathroom supplies into this, but hand sanitizer is really dumb. I can barely smell hand sanitizer without feeling slightly disgusted. The idea of drinking it makes me want to vomit. And when I drink, I prefer to vomit later in my night, not right at the beginning. If you're looking for a cheap hobo high, get wasted on the classics like Listerine or Thunderbird, not Purell.

 

4. Smoking Liquor

Bro... no. This is a huge waste of perfectly good alcohol and looks about 1000% less cool. I can't imagine the pickup line of, "So, you wanna go back to my place and smoke some Keystone?" is going to attract the women.

 

3. Buttchugging

Ronnie - Yo! I got this idea!

Brandon - Shoot, Shaquille BRO'neal!

Ronnie - Ight, check. You know how, like, a beer bong goes in your mouth?

Brandon - Totally, BROklahoma!

Ronnie - And the beer and alcohol go all in our mouths and shit?

Brandon - You're talking the good talk, BROhann Sebastian Bach!

Ronnie - Well, what if we took that tube and put it in our butts instead?

Brandon - That idea sounds like a home run, BROse Canseco!

 

2. Eye Shot

YOUR MOUTH IS LITERALLY TWO INCHES AWAY! JUST USE YOUR F**KING MOUTH!

 

1. Vodka Tampons

While this is the stupidest way, it's also kind of the funniest. I can imagine the guy going out to buy tampons, knowing full and well how he looks and what he is planning to do with them.

If we've learned anything, the idea of getting drunk makes people completely shameless.

20 comments
Ron-Elam-858
Ron-Elam-858

Putting alcoholic beverages in your rectum does NOT cause the alcohol to bypass your liver.

Larzo00
Larzo00

I don't want to hear about anything relating to butts from Anderson Cooper.

Almostowned
Almostowned

Good thing that genius described exactly how to separate the alcohol in the sanitizer. Now no one will do it.

BigredC
BigredC

In the first one the reporter says, after you use the sanitizer, put it up high out of reach. Who does she think is drinking the stuff, 2 year old's ? I think a teenager won't have much trouble reaching it.

one2xsite
one2xsite

We just smoke a cig befor class...

duanekimball
duanekimball

How hard is it to get drunk..just drink everclear.. so it takes 10 minutes instead of 1

SlobberTrail
SlobberTrail

When I drink I see blue people who smell each others asses and laugh. Do you think someone put a roofie in my Zima?

bendayho
bendayho

Eye shots? That is what we used to make the stupid drunk girls do. We would then laugh at them with their one red eye.

stupidcomments
stupidcomments

I'm bringing a bag of vodka gummybears to the movies from now on. That is, once those idiots in Hollywood make something worth watching.

iduno2much
iduno2much

Anderson Cooper "Butchugging Thank You, I really really wish I was" How appropriate.

radio-escondido
radio-escondido

I heard Nikki Sixx say at one point he tried to inject alcohol. Pretty frickin' desperate way to get high.

Blue-Bawlz
Blue-Bawlz

I'm surprised they didn't have an article on kids snorting liquor. Their putting vodka in sharpie caps and snorting that shit. Kids are dumb these days

kelso480
kelso480

Used to do it but in a spoon... called it a Chilly Willy it feels great!!!

Lazy-Phoque
Lazy-Phoque

Sounds like a one way ticket to pneumonia.

akeyes
akeyes

back in college I had a few friends that would play a game called "vodka snooters" where the they would all chugg an ice cold beer and the last one to finish had to flip the can over, fill the little bowl on the underside of the can with vodka, and then snort it out. this game usually only lasted 2 or so rounds.

WiffleBallTony
WiffleBallTony

Looks like a "1,000 Ways to Die" just became 1,005...

Sedge-Noob-dad-168
Sedge-Noob-dad-168

Yea, because inhaling vaporized liquor, much like a humidifier, will kill you. With intellect like that, it would seem that you're next up to the plate.

WiffleBallTony
WiffleBallTony

Your right, inhalants don't kill people. I forgot my humidifier came with a gallon of Everclear.

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