Let's say the obvious right now: don't do any of these things. They are all very, very stupid.
Maybe it's no longer cool to drink alcohol or beer? "You know who drinks? My stupid parents. I don't want to be lame like them! I don't want to be in a sexless marriage and stuck in a lame office job! LET'S SHOVE VODKA TAMPONS IN OUR ASSES AND LIVE!"
But these morons hate normal metabolic processes and regular bodily functions and would rather get drunk by alternative means. Here are the five dumbest ways you can get drunk. And again, don't do these. Drink responsibly. Through your mouth.
5. Drinking Hand Sanitizer
I guess you could lump in all alcohol-based bathroom supplies into this, but hand sanitizer is really dumb. I can barely smell hand sanitizer without feeling slightly disgusted. The idea of drinking it makes me want to vomit. And when I drink, I prefer to vomit later in my night, not right at the beginning. If you're looking for a cheap hobo high, get wasted on the classics like Listerine or Thunderbird, not Purell.
4. Smoking Liquor
Bro... no. This is a huge waste of perfectly good alcohol and looks about 1000% less cool. I can't imagine the pickup line of, "So, you wanna go back to my place and smoke some Keystone?" is going to attract the women.
Ronnie - Yo! I got this idea!
Brandon - Shoot, Shaquille BRO'neal!
Ronnie - Ight, check. You know how, like, a beer bong goes in your mouth?
Brandon - Totally, BROklahoma!
Ronnie - And the beer and alcohol go all in our mouths and shit?
Brandon - You're talking the good talk, BROhann Sebastian Bach!
Ronnie - Well, what if we took that tube and put it in our butts instead?
Brandon - That idea sounds like a home run, BROse Canseco!
2. Eye Shot
YOUR MOUTH IS LITERALLY TWO INCHES AWAY! JUST USE YOUR F**KING MOUTH!
1. Vodka Tampons
While this is the stupidest way, it's also kind of the funniest. I can imagine the guy going out to buy tampons, knowing full and well how he looks and what he is planning to do with them.
If we've learned anything, the idea of getting drunk makes people completely shameless.