Christmas is almost upon us and since I didn’t get you anything, I thought perhaps you’d enjoy a retelling of the 12 Days of Christmas only this time instead of turtledoves (which I hear are extinct) and maids a-milking (several of whom have filed harassment charges against staffers here), I’ll just cover 12 Christmas tales of woe, chicanery and debauchery. Grab yourself some nog and enjoy!
Sex Toy Heist
How do they celebrate Christmas in Australia? At least one person is celebrating with a solid $1000 worth of sex toys, which is one sixth of a Real Doll, or about 17 Fleshlights.
This thief was very specific, however, and went after particular items including a single penis pump and several items were dumped nearby, possibly because they wouldn’t say they loved the thief after he used them.
You may recall recently we shared the story with you of a certain Santa who was caught with his pants down and someone’s hands in those pants. Yes, Santa was getting to know Mrs. Claus a little bit better out in public when he was caught on tape because everything gets caught on tape these days and sometimes we still call it tape even though it’s all digital. Nutty.
Turns out Santa was quite embarrassed by this and sent a threatening letter to the Huffington Post in an effort to get them to take his photo down. The letter was from his lawyer but Gawker decided to look this lawyer up and it turns out, he’s not a real lawyer so much as a guy who works at a pharmaceutical company whose photo on LinkedIn looks a hell of a lot like Handy J Santa.
After police responded to an unrelated call, they heard some people in a nearby building and, being suspicious since no one was coming out when they were called, got access from the property management to what turned out to be Santa’s workshop!
In this case, Santa’s workshop is what we’ll call a garage space where three dudes were wrapping up 70lbs of weed like Christmas presents. A Christmas miracle!
Like most of us, Richard Tyler Brandon was so drunk and so poor, he tried to go down someone’s chimney to steal money to buy more booze. Unfortunately he messed up and got caught in the chimney because they don’t make those things big enough for people because if they did, people would be sliding down chimneys left and right.
Police spent two hours working with firefighters and a special “moron response” task force to get Brandon out of the chimney.
Herbert Jones decided his old man beard and old man oldness would suit him well as a mall Santa so he up and got himself a job bringing mirth and merriment to children. And to one 18 year old elf girl who was assisting him he brought busy fingers in the form of ass pinching.
Now you may not know this but the same HR practices you are beholden to at your job apply to old St Nick and that means he is not permitted to pinch asses and, moreover, it’s also kind of against the law, which is why he was arrested.
What’s more adorable than a drunken Santa stumbling through a parking garage and pissing whenever the whim takes him? Nothing. Nothing at all. In this tale, drunken Santa is a German, which somehow makes it more amusing if you picture him muttering German curse words under his breath, who was caught on security camera stumbling through a parking garage where he pissed, then fell over, then got up, walked a little more and pissed a second time. Because that’s what kind of guy Santa is. He gives, and then he gives again.
Remember Microsoft Messenger? Me neither. But back in 2007 it was a thing people used and Microsoft thought it would be fun if they let people ad Santa Claus to their friends list so they could IM him. Man, how could this turn into an awful story I’d write about years later on Break?
Turns out the AI that was running Santa was a little buggy and if you kept talking to him about eating things eventually he’d tell you that yes, oral sex is awesome. Probably a lot of us would be cool with that, but it was the issue of kids talking to Santa about blowies that caused a bit of an issue.
Back in 2004, a Kentucky newspaper fell victim to the oldest problem in the history of journalism – accidentally publishing a series of sexually explicit Christmas jokes. Ha ha, oh man! Remember when USA Today had that all porno New Years issue in 2001? Good stuff.
How do pornographic jokes about Santa get into the paper? According to staff, an employee had been reading them online and “somehow” they ended up in the paper, which is the same as saying “we have no idea how we’re still in business” but whatever.
Office Christmas Sex
According to a survey by Trojan, 49% of people are ready and willing to go to town on a coworker at the office Christmas party if the opportunity presents itself. 33% said they had had sex with a coworker in the past at an office Christmas party. Fun!
The rest of the article goes on to let you know about the prevalence of STI’s like Chlamydia which is terribly depressing combined with the fact 41% of people won’t be bringing condoms to the office Christmas party either. If they bring Chlamydia instead, that’s pretty thoughtless.
Sex Toy Tree
Europe seems like a pretty open and liberal place but they do have some limits. For instance, decorate a Christmas tree with dildos and people will drop their biscotti and bag full of berets and be quite taken aback, as was the case this year with a Christmas tree in Milan.
A local sex to company decided it might be fun to cover the tree in a variety of festive orifice-plunging devices but I guess the rest of the city didn’t agree. Officials, aka “the man” ordered the decorations removed citing some belief that religious holidays and children and families have issues with dildos in public or some such.
Christmas Break for Sex Offenders
Back in 1997 America was shocked to hear the story of Mary Kay Letorneau, the teacher who had a sexual relationship with her student. Now, as 2013 comes to a close, it’d be impressive if a month went by without hearing about a teacher having sex with a student. The media makes it seem like highschool is nothing but sex with teachers these days.
37 year old Julie Hautzenroeder, a biology teacher, got two years for having sex with a 16 year old student and, Christmas miracle, the judge let her wait until January to start serving her sentence so she could spend Christmas at home with her daughter. It was probably lots of fun.
Miley’s Christmas Wang
As you may have expected, Miley Cyrus is celebrating Christmas with a fake penis. Because that’s the world we live in! To clarify, as part of a video advent calendar for Love magazine (all the words in that sentence apparently mean something), Miley put on a flesh-colored leotard with a penis drawn on it.
Remember this when people are pondering the meaning of Christmas this year and going on about the War on Christmas or commercialism. Because none of that has anything to do with a former Disney star showing you a drawn on penis. And yet it does.
I don’t make the news, I just report it.