The 12 Best Arnold Kills (Out of All 509)

Seanbaby by Seanbaby on Dec. 20, 2013

Arnold Schwarzenegger has massacred 509 people, animals, aliens, and sentient robots throughout his career. And that number is not some kind of guess or an exaggeration-- it's the exact number landed upon after tireless research by the Youtube comedy team, The Auralnauts (makers of Super Boat, Bane Outtakes, and Star Wars Episode 2: The Friend Zone).

There has been timeless debate about which kill is the best, but how does a sane person even judge something like that? Simple. I've developed the A.R.N.O.L.D. death rating system. Using this simple system, anyone can judge an Arnold kill by the following criteria:

A.wesomeness
R.idiculousness
N.umber of Holes Created in Victim
O.uuaggahhhaaaarrh!!!!
L.imbs Removed
D.elivery of One Liner

Now let's begin.

 

 

#12. Total Recall - The Execution of Sharon Stone
Arnold had no idea what the hell was going on in this movie. His memories were fake, he was his own bad guy, and not a single line of this screenplay involved a character telling the truth. But after his evil wife punched him in the balls and then kicked him in the balls, Arnold was sure about one thing: he's going to shoot this god damn lady in the head.

One Liner: "CONSIDA DID A DIVORCE."



#11. Streets of San Francisco - Arnold as Lenny
When a woman asked Arnold to show her how to properly flex muscles, she laughed. Arnold's feelings were hurt and he expressed himself the only way he knew how-- shaking her until her bones and organs became a protein rich, drinkable fluid. It's possible the script called for a conversation and this scene was simply a tragic blooper.

One Liner: I'm not sure I'm spelling this right, but after Etch A Sketching her and tossing her broken body on a couch, Arnold screamed, "AGHHIII! LAIBIDOAUUUGH! AUUIGHH!! AUGHHHAIAEAGHH!" Arnold sometimes talks like a man who is both breast feeding and drowning at the same time.


 

#10. True Lies - Harrier Jump Jet Missile Climax
Due to the nature of evil, bad guys aren't always aware they're the bad guys. But let's say the very last of your friends are in a helicopter, it's hovering in front of Arnold's final missile, and your body is dangling from that missile. As you rocket towards hilariously impossible circumstances it'll probably hit you that shit like that never happens to the good guy.

One Liner: This would make more sense if the villain worked for him or if the guy even had a job, but Arnold seems very proud of himself for saying, "YOU'RE FIRED."


#9. Commando - Saw Blade Scalping
It really doesn't matter what you did with your life when you get killed by a saw blade flying through your wig. Because that is all anyone is going to remember about you.

One Liner: None, but for Arnold to even get out of that situation it was a pretty close shave.


#8. Red Heat - Transvesticide
A deadly assassin was infiltrating a hospital, so he dressed up like Glenn Close dressed up like a nurse. It did not fool Arnold.

One Liner: None. And maybe I'm old fashioned, but if you have nothing fun to say after shooting a crossdressing nurse through a door and two panes of glass, you probably have no business shooting anyone, period.


#7. Running Man - Ben Richards vs. Buzz Saw
If you're ever writing a movie and you need a clever way to get your protagonist out of trouble, consider the Running Man option-- cutting the villain in half dick first.

One Liner: "HE HAD TO SPLIT." Totally nailed it.


#6. The Terminator - Terminated, Nudely and By Fist
Normally when you're surprised by a fully nude bodybuilder, your only two options are leaving or fisting. As Brian Thompson learned, things are no different when that bodybuilder turns out to be a terminator robot in disguise.

One Liner: None, and thank God. Arnold's one liners are efficient, not clever. He once screamed, "SCREW YOU!" while he killed a man with a drill. He shot an alligator and smugly called it luggage. So if he puts his fist through a man, you should cover your ears, because he's about to say something awful.


#5. The Last Stand - Flying Tackle & Point Blank Headshot
Arnold ran up behind this man and tackled him off the roof while at the same time executing him. What's so great about it was how completely unnecessary at least one of those things were. He just wanted him THAT dead.

One Liner: None. Riding a dead body through the sky says more than words ever can.



#4. Commando - Matrix vs. Bennett
In the history of film there will never be more of a mismatch than Doughy Freddy Mercury in Chainmail vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even the steam pipe saw this guy's death coming.

One Liner: "LET OFF SOME STEAM, BENNETT." It's hard to imagine anyone being unsatisfied with a line that perfect, but they also filmed these three alternatives:
"I HATE SMALL TALK."
"I THING IT WAS TOO MUCH PRESHA FOR YOU. BENNETT."
"CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE, BENNETT. HUH?"

I think they made the right choice, but w-wait... That means that each of these stupid, obvious puns Arnold delivers are arrived upon only after days of intense deliberation. I... I need to let that sink in for a moment.


#3. Total Recall - Quaid vs. Richter
Arnold crushed Michael Ironside's arms off with an elevator and let him fall, squirting and armless to his death. Strangely, it was the one of the least gooey scenes in this movie.

One Liner: After he tossed Richter's arms away, Arnold told the rest of his body, "SEE YA AT DA PARTY, REECHTA!" Why? I have no idea. I guess there's no cute things to say about severed arms. What's he going to do, pretend to play the drums? Scratch an -- oh shit, I got it. He should have yelled, "DON'T FORGET YOUR BOYFRIENDS, REECHTA!" If I had a time machine, I would get that note to the producers of Total Recall before I killed Hitler.


#2. Running Man - Ben Richards vs. Sub Zero
Sub Zero had a bladed hockey stick, a weight problem, exploding pucks, and a series of hockey-themed traps too stupid to describe. Ben Richards had his bare hands and some razor wire. The question wasn't whether or not Sub Zero was going to die, it was how he survived long enough for us to learn his name.

One Liner: Arnold rips his throat out, turns to the camera and bellows, "HERE'S SUB ZERO. NOW! PLAIN ZERO!!!" I honestly can't conceive of a world where there's a more badass thing to say after killing someone named Sub Zero. We are so blessed to have Running Man in our lives.


#1. Last Action Hero - Ice Cream Cone Headshot
Arnold's most spectacular kill comes from one of his crappiest movies. He was being chased by a truckload of villains through a suburban neighborhood where cars exploded senselessly, almost retardedly. Arnold used this to his advantage by shooting a man into an ice cream truck. Its truly ridiculous explosion sent an ice cream cone directly into a villain skull. There's no fine line between stupid and awesome with Arnold. He is all of both, all the time.

One Liner: Al Leong may have died in movies as many times as Arnold has killed, so it's only fitting he takes the top spot. But of course no kill could take the honors without the perfect line: "ICED THAT GUY."  You sure did, man. You sure did.


Those are Arnold's best 12 kills. Now enjoy the other 497:

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. Follow him on Twitter or visit him at Seanbaby.com. Special thanks to The Auralnauts.

 

55 comments
EvolveYourself
EvolveYourself User

You left off the second half of the "Last Action Hero" line. After "Iced that guy", Arnold says "to CONE a phrase". It's a bad movie one liner making fun of bad movie one liners. It's totally meta.

Lee Guy
Lee Guy

Conan the Destroyer when he killed Thalgrims father then crossed his arms with Crom's sword and his fathers broken sword Roger Howard

Jacob-Campbell-697
Jacob-Campbell-697 User

What about the one in predator where he killed the guy in the beginning with the giant bowie knife? 

ONE LINER: Stick around!

Michael Gibbons
Michael Gibbons

When the retention sharpened tusk trap was hit with Thergrums mallet and it came around 180 degrees and impales him (Conan)

Marty Zonkoski
Marty Zonkoski

"Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?.....I lied."

sepuku1
sepuku1 User

The most entertaining write up Break has had in a while....You guys got a new writer...

Joe Fernandez-Prince
Joe Fernandez-Prince

How the hell did Conan the Barbarian not make any? It's in the damn caption photo!

Arnold Simpson
Arnold Simpson

A lot of people forget he was in a movie called The Villain, I think that was his best comedy performance as the Handsome stranger.

Johnny Cooper
Johnny Cooper

sully, remember when I said I was gonna kill you last.....I lied. hell yeah commando

Dean-Spencer-904
Dean-Spencer-904 User

In Last Action Hero, he said "Iced that guy...to cone a phrase."  Get it right.

Jj Lopez
Jj Lopez

Commando saw kill, FTW! I re-round my VHS of that scene so much that i wore out the tape! :D

Joel J Brissette
Joel J Brissette

I love when he punched the camel FOR REAL in Conan the Barbarian. You could never get away with that today