We can remember a time when the goal of beauty pageants was to look as beautiful and breathtaking as possible. The Miss Universe pageant has a costume category that seems to do anything but that unless you’re one of those guys who gets turned on by furries or anthropomorphic fruit. Here are the weirdest ones from the latest Miss Universe showdown.
1. Miss British Virgin Islands
Beauty pageants are all about showing physical beauty and that means pandering to the lowest sexual instincts we have about the female body. We didn’t say we’re against it. We’re just pointing it out. This one is obviously trying to imply something about “rubbing her” but the fact that she has 11 things to rub coming out of her back makes her look like they’ve mutating and are going to attack us a la “Doctor Octopus” for being so shallow.
2. Miss Venezuela
Sure, she’s scantily clad and has a great body but the tree is giving off this weird “Troll 2” motif like she’s being turned into a plant to be harvested by vegetarian monsters. If, however, she managed to work the phrase “You can't piss on hospitality!” into her question and answer segment, we’d just give her the crown right then and there.
3. Miss Sri Lanka
I’m not sure what to make of this one. The best I can come up with is that she’s surrounded by bedazzled cobras who are just about to strike her and I’m sure there’s some psychological implications behind that thought that I’d rather not explore right now.
4. Miss Slovenia
I’m not a fashion expert and I’m wearing the New Orleans Saints sweatpants and ripped Chuck Taylors to prove it but I’m sure that Tim Gunn would agree with me when I say that dressing up as a loofa isn’t a good motif to win over the judges.
5. Miss Nicaragua
A beauty pageant expert with a minor in South American studies might call this outfit a glorious tribute to the rich heritage and lush jungles of the Nicaraguan landscape. To me, it just looks like someone planted a bomb in a salad bar by hiding it in that bowl with the green and purple lettuce.
6. Miss Ireland
This meaty piece of evening wear is also symbolic of Irish history and culture with its Gaelic motifs and the fact that it can probably protect you if you fall over drunk, while walking home from the pub.
7. Miss Guam
Since when did foliage become such a fashion must? Actual trees wear less leaves than some of the women in these pageants. This is what kale would look like if it did a lot of sit-ups.
8. Miss Germany
This costume must have been done at the last minute. Lisa Simpson’s “Florida” costume had more forethought and planning than this piece that looks like it was made out of a “Berlin Wall” bedsheet set.
9. Miss Czech Republic
We’re not sure what this outfit has to do with the Czech Republic. It seems more appropriate for Miss Mexico because for some reason, it’s really making us wish we had a taco to eat right now.
10. Miss Curacao
So she’s from Curacao where they invented Curacao liqueur. How creative. At least she’ll be a shoo-in for the Miss Spirits and Liqueur pageant. Miss Jack Daniels is just an unshaved woman wearing a torn AC/DC tour shirt and an ankle monitor.
11. Miss Canada
I think I’m in love. I’d ask her to marry me if she was also wear a pair of strategically placed beer dispensers that actually poured Molson Dry.
Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg.