Earlier today, we watched Taylor Chapman walk into a Dunkin Donuts and go nuts over what she thought was a broken promise, the promise of a free meal if an employee forgets to give the customer a receipt. We’ve all been there, standing there at the counter, wondering, “Will this be the time that I save all of a dollar and change on a donut habit that’s slowly killing me?” Well, this lady hit the jackpot. Her clerk didn’t give her a receipt, and when the clerk refused to comp the meal right then and there, she came back with a video camera in hand.
From start to finish, this video is full of moments that make you wonder whether the sprinkles on her childhood's donuts were actually paint chips. Here are the ten most ridiculous moments from this astounding video.
- “This is all being under video surveillance.” You’re not telling us anything we don’t know, lady. Not only is every Dunkin Donuts already equipped with multiple security cameras, but the NSA has tapped all those cameras and is using them to identify the biggest potential financial outlays for Obamacare.
- “I want the whole fuckin’ menu, bitch! TWICE!” Catchphrase!
- When she turns the camera on gramps who wants no part of this inquisition. His sidestep is elegant.
- “Can’t wait to post this to Facebook!” Why? Because your personality has already robbed you of any of the friends you’d lose as a result of posting this video?
- The interview segment that starts at 4:32. The relationship between the girl and the guy here is so awkward and uncomfortable that it spawned its own TLC reality show.
- “There are no takebacks in life.” Business school? Are you sure you didn't study philosophy? Someone put that on a motivational poster, right this minute. Never mind, I'll do it.
- “I’m going to Mars!” For almost anyone else, this would’ve been the first sign of mental instability. For her, it’s, like, the seventh in this video, alone.
- She tells us that this kind of stuff doesn’t fly in Indiana and Kentucky, where she’s from, and then she immediately regales us with a story of someone in Kentucky peeing in her fries. How do you hide peeing in the fries? She’s a complicated person, full of contradictions.
- She doesn’t trust the food so she’s giving it to her boyfriend?! Wow, she's a keeper. “The donut tasted like pee. Cya!” That’s what the break-up letter should read.
- The bomb threats. As she pointed out earlier, this whole situation is under video surveillance, so the bomb threats are probably not going to go over too well. This kid is in jail because of a status update he posted to Facebook. Her threat is a video of herself threatening to bomb the place. From the safety of Mars! Someone arrest her, now, before she gets close enough to Mars that extradition becomes all but impossible!
As Break superfan Sean Gribbon pointed out, the late comic genius Mitch Hedburg said all there is to say about donuts and receipts.
This lady's Dunkin Donuts freakout video is full of gems. She's going to be a viral video superstar for all the wrong reasons. What were the standout moments, to you? Let me know in the comments.
-Earnest (freakout at me on Twitter @earnestp)