Julia Charlene Merfeld was caught on video trying to hire a hitman to kill her husband so that she could collect a 400K payday from her husband’s life insurance policy. What’s crazy is that her whole attitude toward the hit is basically “Whatevs!” I have more trouble ordering a pizza than she had ordering up this hit. She felt it was a lot easier than getting a divorce, probably because if you had to choose between an OK Cupid profile with a mug shot and one with relationship status “divorced,” you’ll take your chance with the mug shot 9 times out of ten.
The whole video is just patently absurd, but I was able to pick out ten of the most ridiculous moments from the video.
:33 You want the hit on a Thursday “Because that’s the day that I work?” No wonder you want this dude’s life insurance policy. That shouldn’t even count as part time. If you’re working one day a week, that’s just a hobby!
:50 Carlos? Wait, there was another person you tried to hire? Did you really just get a hit man through a referral from another hitman? “You know, I’m going on vacation, but I know this guy who’s really good at killing. I mean, he’s my competition, but I’m a fan.”
1:36 Whoa! The Bat sign? You’re flashing the Bat sign? You’re hiring a hitman, the coldest of all ways to murder someone. The last thing you want is the Dark Knight showing up unannounced and ready to throw down in the name of justice.
1:52 She doesn’t want her husband murdered in the home because it’s going to make it more difficult to get a roommate? It’s called Craigslist! You can probably find a real hitman there, too. In fact, you can probably find a hitman who is also looking for a room to rent. Best of both worlds! Now you don’t pay him—he pays you! Rent!
2:56 Going to Google Calendar to schedule a hit. Classic move. Send an Evite while you’re there.
4:32 WHAT? BATMAN AGAIN!?!?! Adam West is rolling over in his grave right now. I know, I know. Adam West is not dead; he’s just trying it out before he buys.
4:43 HAHAHAHAH! STREET VIEW! This chick drew a map with Street View ™. Next time, just go to the library, spend ten cents, and print out a Google Map!
5:25 “Does he look just like that, then?” Um… yeah. It’s a photograph. That’s how they work.
5:52 Monologuing. Classic mistake of the criminal mastermind. The video takes a right turn into Mauryland right here.
7:25 “Is this a bad idea?” Maybe, but you know what’s a worse idea? Asking a hitman for advice on life choices.
Merfeld plead guilty and is going to jail for no less than six years. Apparently, her husband doesn’t want her to serve any jail time, which just proves that he was really too dumb to have signed a marriage license without the state requiring his parent or a legal guardian’s approval in the first place.
What do you think were the most ridiculous moments? Let me know in the comments.
Earnest (Follow me on Twitter @earnestp)