Thanksgiving Day Survival Kit: 9 Things You Will Need

Fans of antihero driven television dramas like Breaking Bad and Dexter will be familiar with the term “go bag.” That is a bag of goodies our devious protagonist has prepared for times of imminent danger where they must flee at a moment’s notice. Spending Thanksgiving at a relative’s house may put you in similar situation of peril that you will need to escape; hopefully with more lukewarm mashed potatoes and less with meth and murder.

In order to more fully enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday in a house full of family members you are going to need your own Thanksgiving go bag. That is why after years of sitting through miserable Thanksgivings I have prepared for you the ultimate Thanksgiving Day Survival Kit to prepare you for the worst

First, grab yourself a “go-bag” to fill with the following items. Get one of those fancy deals with lots of pockets and buckles and loops that you’ll never actually use, but make you look like you know what you’re doing. As soon as you enter the house, hide this thing in an easy to access spot. Maybe bribe one of the children to keep it safe under the kids table with an extra helping of gravy. Kids love gravy.

1. A Big Mac

 

Let’s start with surviving the food. Between the risk of getting salmonella from Aunt Ruth’s cooking and being force fed gluten free, organic, freeze dried yams because half the family is on a new fad diet, Thanksgiving can be a total crapshoot as to if anything on your plate is actually edible. You might just get there and the whole turkey is still thawing out and dinner id going to be at 11PM. Either way it is imperative you bring a snack. And by snack I mean a meal, preferably something prefabricated, loaded with enough sodium to make up for all of that home cooked food being forced on you.  I suggest going with the old standard: a Big Mac. If you are traveling far to your Thanksgiving feast, you may have to purchase the Big Mac the night before so it might be a little squished in your go-bag. Luckily that won’t hinder the taste. Slap some of that gravy on there and you will have something to be truly thankful for.

2. iPhone With Earbuds and Charger

If your idea of post meal fun does not include sitting wedged on the couch between your two 35-year-old cousins who still live at home as they scream at the old Magnavox over a football game: “Come on… COME ON! HE WAS OVER THE LINE!! HE WAS OVER THE GOD DAMN LINE!”-Then you’ll need to bring your own entertainment; any iPhone, pad or pod will do with requisite earbuds and charger for a long evening of isolated gaming or movie streaming.


Or you can do what I do!  Even though I don’t follow football, I pretend to be SUPER excited and loudly clap with increasing intensity at everything that happens, including the coin toss. Clap, clap, CLAAAP!! COME ON!! – Be sure to shout “Get in the HOLE!” and see if anyone notices that there aren’t any holes in football.

3. Old Issue Of Hustler & A Recent GQ

 

You are going to need some alternative entertainment options in case you can’t get a signal on your phone or get the WiFi password at your grandparents house because they use the one the router comes with on the box. That dang thing is 20 characters long no one can ever get to work; you are going to need some old fashioned remedies to relieve the stress of spending the past several hours with your family. What better than a classic issue of Hustler magazine? This year be thankful for Larry Flynt and his filthy friends.  They don’t make them like they used to, hell even Playboy is getting rid of nudity. However you’re going to also want to pack another, less titillating magazine to wedge the Hustler into so Grandma doesn’t know what you’re reading. I suggest a current issue of GQ so no one will want to borrow it and discover your ruse.  Nobody reads GQ.

4. Bottle Of Cheap Rum

 

 

If all else fails play a fun “Thanksgiving Game” called “1,2,3 Go!” This is where you open a bottle of cheap rum and scream “1,2,3 Go!” before seeing how much of it you can chug before passing out. That way you can either fall asleep undisturbed on the couch, vomit uncontrollably on the dinner table and tell everyone that you have to excuse yourself because you are sick, OR become so inebriated that you don’t mind telling everyone EXACTLY what you think of them and are asked to leave. This is what we call a win-win all around.

5. Roll Of Duct Tape

I read that you should ALWAYS have duct tape in your go bag. The Thanksgiving Survival Kit is no different. Maybe you can use it to hold your pants up when they bust open? Nobody is judging. Let us know how the duct tape works out for you.

6. Baggie Of Just The Dark Meat

 

OK, back to the food. If you are like me, you love the dark meat. However on Thanksgiving dark meat comes at a premium and sometimes you are left with just the dry, white stuff and I’m not talking about Uncle Carl’s dandruff. That’s why your go-bag must contain a sandwich baggie of just the dark meat you can sneak onto your plate. To keep it fresh, place the dark meat baggie next to your Big Mac and they can keep each other warm like a nice meat hug.

7. Hot Pepper Sauce To Give Yourself A Skin Rash

 

Even though in ‘Merica we don’t kiss people on the cheek as a greeting so much, for some reason if you see your great aunt, or tenth cousin removed they love to let the smooches fly. No matter how old you get the older females of any family love to plant wet ones all up on your face. Most dudes hate this, not judging if you’re OK with getting some of that sweet auntie saliva action, but… OK I’m judging. So how to avoid this? Keep a bottle of hot pepper sauce in your bag. Before the aunties arrive grab the bottle, and smear the sauce all over your cheeks. This way your face will break out and you will give yourself a face rash so old relatives can’t kiss you on the cheek. As a bonus if your baggie of dark meat turkey turns out dry, now you will have some delicious hot pepper sauce add to it.

8. Tums And Imodium

This guy had a Thanksgiving survival kit back in the day; it was called highballs and he made it f'ing classy.

This is just practical. Look at all that Thanksgiving crap you just ate. It looks like a pilgrim exploded on your plate. Plus the hot pepper sauce thing and a Big Mac? What a weirdo, who does that? You’ll be chugging Tums like your stepmother chugs vodka tonics.

Seriously who does this?

 

9. Trash Bag(s)

The worst aspect of spending Thanksgiving at a friend or relative’s house, and not in your own home, are those hours right after dinner is over. You have just eaten the largest meal of the year and now you are stuck making small talk with Uncle Carl about his Hummel collection while the five pounds of dark turkey meat you just ate is starting to turtle head.

If you are like me, when you eat a Thanksgiving sized meal the bathroom doesn’t stand a chance. Everyone will know it was you who clogged the damn toilet and ruined Thanksgiving! I say be a man and get out ahead of this situation. That is why your go-bag contains a scented, Hefty, black trash bag. When everyone is busy clearing the table and Uncle Carl is dozing off to sleep in the E-Z Chair, you take that Hefty out into the backyard and do your business in it like a god damn man. You and your relatives will be thankful this year that you didn’t wreck their bathroom.  Well, this certainly brings new meaning to the term “go bag.”

What did I miss? What would you include in your Thanksgiving Survival Kit go-bag?

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney