The Texas Rangers Are Trying To Kill Fans With Their New Stadium Concessions

Judging from the newest menu items that will appear at the concession stands at the Globe Life Park in Arlington, Texas, there is no doubt that the stadium owners are trying to kill as many Texas Rangers’ fans as they can before the season is over. 

The new list of items reads like some kind of bizarre menu of dares that only a damned soul would be forced to eat in order to earn the right to move to a less painful level of Satan’s Hell. The most prominent and common thread among the new items is bacon. Now all red blooded Americans should enjoy a nice, thick, crisp slab of bacon but the Texas Rangers’ chefs have found ways to make it even unhealthier. Bacon fans can enjoy bacony treats at the ballpark such as bacon cotton candy, candied bacon covered with cinnamon and chili powder, maple bacon ale beer and chicken fried bacon on a stick. 

Eating this will make it harder to get a reasonable price on your life insurance policy.

Exhibit B include items with a “State Fare” because we all know how the Texas State Fair, a place that gave the world Deep Fried Coke, Fried Bubblegum and Fried Beer, stands as a shining beacon for health and unfettered blood flow. The menu offers new items such as deep fried corn on the cob, macaroni and cheese brisket balls and the Fried S’mOreo, a deep fried death boat of fried marshmallow, fried Oreos and graham cracker breading drizzled with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. 

This is in addition to the famed 2-foot long Choomongous Korean beef sub and the 2-foot long taco called the Tanaco. So if the local DA is reading this and needs an easy win for a pre-mediated murder charge, you’re looking at the tastiest bunch of evidence since that domestic disturbance case where a jealous wife tried to stab their cheating husband with a sharpened Chick-o-Stick shiv. 

Source: Uproxx