Terrible Weight Loss New Year’s Resolutions



It’s a new year and you know what that means: a whole new year to start off thinking you will be a better person in 2014;  get in shape, make more money and stop beating your children, only to let those old habits come crashing down like your fifth DUI. And who doesn’t want some motivation to shed a few extra pounds? There are plenty of options out there to help you slice off some off some fat. Surgery can be expensive, however there are some cheaper options out there. So if your New Year’s Resolution is to stop being such a fat ass, you’re in luck, you may or may not want to follow these methods.

Urine Injections


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Urine trouble if you are so desperate to lose weight that you’d start injecting pregnant women’s piss into your body. I’m no doctor but I’m guessing the weight loss could be due to some kind of infection or hepatitis? I’m sure all you PHD’s will correct me. The “weight loss councilor” who prescribes this sure fire weight loss trick claims that it’s not the urine itself, but a hormone pregnant ladies have called “human coriogonic gotrophin” that tricks your body into thinking it’s pregnant… and thus helping your body metabolize faster. ALO, and this is important: while on the urine treatment you can only eat 500 calories of food… as opposed to the recommended 2000 calorie diet. But yeah pregnant lady piss does the trick.


Painful Tongue Patch


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If you are the type of person who would sign up for this type of weight loss procedure than we have the added bonus of not having to listen to you speak as your tongue will make it painful. The tongue patch places a small mesh cover over your tongue with the goal of making it too painful to eat. Over the course of a month patients who use this doctor non approved method can lose a whopping twenty pounds as they are forced to eat a liquid diet. I’m guessing a lot of people will make that liquid a milk shake instead. I for one would be the first person to gain weight with a painful tongue; after all, most of us fatties have been trained to eat through pain by burning the roofs of our mouth on hot cheese pizza!


Have Sex With The Worlds Heaviest Woman


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The former Guinness Book of World Record’s record holder for “World’s Heaviest Woman” was Pauline Potter who rang in a whopping (or more like Whopper-ing, am I right?) 700 pounds. She decided the best way to shed that weight was to have sex seven times a day. Now you might be wondering how a 700 pound lady is going to get busy seven times a day: luckily her husband was up for the task as he only weighs 140 pounds… probably from all that effort having sex with a seven hundred pound woman! See; the real winner is her husband, he’s keeping the pounds off! She’s hoping to soon hit her “Goal weight” of 500 pounds. This is the point where we glibly smile and point out that “there is someone for everyone.” No really good for her, she got laid, now don’t you feel even worse about yourself?

Try Becoming a Breatharian


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You may be sick and tired of your vegetarian or vegan friends telling you how bad meat is for you, and that cheese is made of pus-  but at least chances are you don’t know any Breatharians; they would be trying to get you to quit food altogether! This is a sure fire way to lose weight and cut back on your diet- as you’re not going to have a diet! A Breatharian is someone who claims to be able to live and sustain themselves WITHOUT FOOD, through meditation live off of air, sunlight and water. There is a man named Wiley Brooks who has been a Breatharian for a long time, and for one small payment you can learn how to become a Breatharian.


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Just sign up on his website which totally doesn’t sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic homeless person. Four people have already died trying to become a Breatharian, but I’m sure they were doing it wrong, you will be The One. Besides this could be the new Hollywood Diet: actress Michelle Pfeiffer even recently admitted to giving a go at Breatharianism.

Become A Voluntary Amputee

One quick way to lose weight this New Year is to become a voluntary amputee! You’ve heard of the people who suffer from a condition where they don’t feel that one of their limbs is actually their own? Well if you can convince yourself that your leg is not your leg, than you can travel to Mexico where a doctor will perform the procedure for you. That should drop 20 to 30 pounds, depending on which limb you decide to get rid of!

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney