Teen Destroys Marathon In Crocs

Shoe companies spend millions to promote their goofball products because they’ll help you run faster or jump higher or kick further when, truth is, that’s all BS.  Your shoes don’t affect your athletic performance at all unless you’re trying to ice skate in cleats.  For the most part you just need something on your feet, doesn’t matter what, and you’ll perform as well as everyone else, plus or minus your own personal skill level and athleticism. 

Shoe companies of course don’t want anyone to know that their products are all exactly the same, and striking a blow against them all this week is Callum Robertson-Barnes who just ran over 13 miles in a marathon wearing socks and a pair of black Crocs.  Crappy, ugly, plastic Crocs.

While the winner of the marathon wore a pair of Asics that surely cost over $100, Callum wore $5 shoes that are mostly associated with TV chefs and people who have given up on life.  And good for him.  When’s the last time you bought shoes and wondered why you had to pay so much for something that basically serves to protect you from stepping in puddles or in poop?  Shoes are the most utilitarian thing we dress ourselves in, we’ve just been duped by manufacturers into thinking they’re anything more than poop shields.  They’re fashion items, they have pumps, and air pockets and gel inserts and catapult technology and blah blah blah.  Lies.  All lies.  And now we have proof – you can run an entire damn marathon in Crocs.

Lest you suspect Callum is a crazy person, it’s worth knowing he’s not some kind of super human athlete, he’s just in reasonably good shape, and he didn’t even suffer any problems from wearing the Crocs beyond a single blister which he thinks was actually caused by the timing transponder they stuck to his sock.

Will Nike be shaken by this news?  Only if we spread the word.  Big shoe companies stand to lose tons in revenue if word gets out LeBron could play just as well wearing green Crocs .  This is the real conspiracy in America, people.

Callum, in case you were wondering, came 10th out of over 1200 people and finished at one hour, 23 minutes and three seconds. 

Crocs.  They get the job done.