Is there anything more adorable than a well executed dog trick? The answer is: of course. Tons of things. That doesn’t and shouldn’t discount the fact that a canine stunt can be a thing of comic beauty even for those who prefer cats, guinea pigs, water fowl or stuffed animals. We have sifted through the web, combed the four corners of the earth, sniffed out every kennel and rampaged every dog bowl on the planet to bring you this four legged overview of some of the best dog tricks available for your viewing pleasure. We can take a bow, roll over, beg, give you a paw or stay, but we won’t play dead until we’ve answered our first question, which is
CAN A DOG TRICK BE LIKE A BACHELOR PARTY?
That’s a rather odd question, and other than the fact that one involves copious amounts of alcohol and the other was probably a learned activity from having been gorged on doggy treats, the answer is probably no. Then again, any activity where a hot chick almost loses her bikini top should count for something.
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That might not have taken any real skill on the dog’s part, but for the viewer, it offered plenty of value. This next trick also takes place at a beach and actually involves something skillful, but not as skillful or entertaining as taking off a bikini top
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CAN A DOG TRICK HAVE AN ACTUAL PURPOSE OTHER THEN SERVING TO AMUSE HUMANS?
If The Planet of the Apes movies have taught us anything besides that James Franco can’t tell an ape from Seth Rogen, it is that animals will some day take over and turn us into pets or slaves. That seems only fair, as we are a rather arrogant species, known for turning man’s best friend into a beer delivery service. Then again, beer is pretty delicious and this dog seems pleased by his miniscule tip.
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Speaking of Planet of the Apes, which is always a good idea unless you are in the middle of taking your LSAT exam, sometimes the “animal” is clearly smarter than the human. In such cases, who is the so-called “dog trick” really tricking? We tend to root for the underdog, or at least in this case, the dog.
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WHO IS THE KING OF BRINGING DOG TRICKS TO THE MASSES?
The answer to this is the one and only David Letterman, who for decades has incorporated the stupid pet trick segment into his program. Sure, they might be stupid, but considering they often do things that nine out of ten Kardashians couldn’t even spell let alone do, these dogs would seem to deserve their own reality show more than that large assed clan of cerebrally challenged douchebags.
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WHAT DOG TRICKS ARE SO COOL THAT YOU’LL WISH YOU OWNED THOSE DOGS?
Well, that is a big question to ask, but let’s start with one of the greats. Norman the Scooter Dog has earned his name for a good reason. The guy rides a scooter, and in this video, actually rides a bike. If you ever wondered why the internet was invented other than for reading reviews of weed shops, this video should answer your question.
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WHO IS THE COOLEST DOG AROUND, AND WHAT IS HIS BEST TRICK?
This is a hugely subjective question, but our choice is the one and only Tillman, the Skateboarding Bulldog. He’s been in the Guinness Book a couple times, has had his own Float in the Rose Parade three times, had his own TV series, and is just basically a total bad ass. The fact that he resembles Winston Churchill is a nice bonus.
Tillman may be a rock star, but this guy’s kind of cool too. What he lacks in height, he makes up for in personality.
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ALL THESE DOG TRICKS ARE MAKING ME LONG TO SEE A GIRL EAT A HOT DOG. IS THAT A NORMAL REACTION?
You’d have to define “normal,” but the simple answer is that no, that’s not a normal reaction. In fact, you may want to consult a therapist or at least a vet. Then again, we don’t want to leave you hanging, so feel free to peruse this video of a chick eating a hot dog.
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I LIKE DOG TRICKS THAT GO WRONG. ANYTHING YOU CAN SUGGEST?
You can never go wrong with a dog trick involving a dog nipping on a human being’s nose. You see, a good dog trick can take years of practice, but the bloopers along the way are often the best part.
You think it’s easy to do a perfect jump? This bulldog thought so too, but fate and gravity had another outcome in mind.
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ARE THERE ANY DOG TRICKS THAT ARE ACTUALLY USEFUL IN SOME WAY?
While many have tried to train their dogs to do quantum physics, that doesn’t seem very likely to have a successful outcome. Imagine though training a dog to remove farts from the earth? That would be nirvana – a planet free from cheese cutting, flatulence, stink bombs and passing gas. Such a dream has yet to come to be, but this pitbull certainly is on his way to a breakthrough.
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Many businessmen are too busy to take on such traditional trappings as a wife or kid. In this case, a talented dog serves as a fine substitute. Sure, it might still take a crap on your lawn, but alimony, child support or extensive therapy won’t be an issue. Additionally, the dog has some major potential as a wig model.
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Dancing may or not be considered useful, but it sure is useful if you’re trying to be on “Dancing With The Stars.” Sadly, this guy isn’t a star (yet!), but nothing should take away from his highly evolved cha-cha-cha movements.
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Many great singers have started out as background vocalists. To be fair, this guy still has a long way to go, but it’s hard not to admire his enthusiasm. We just hope when he does “Let It Go,” it won’t be a big turd in the back seat of that car.
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As we all know, there are far too many horrible music videos out there. This dog has actually learned the great skill of stopping another one from being created. All it took was some inappropriate humping, which coincidentally, is the same thing that prevented Gwyneth Paltrow from starring in Justin Bieber’s Bar Mitzvah video.
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IS IT TRUE THAT THERE WILL BE AN OLYMPIC EVENT INVOLVING BALLOONS AND DOG NOSES?
Sadly, this rumor (that we just started by the way) is not at all true. No one will be more sad to hear that then this dog. Perhaps he should stick to the luge.
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CAN TINY YAPPIE DOGS DO TRICKS OR JUST BIG DROOLY ONES?
We aren’t sure if you can teach an old dog new tricks. We are though sure that any size dog can do a trick, with our case in point being this bite size critter. It might not scare off any burglars, but it might make them decide to give up a life of crime and just sit around all day and say “oh, isn’t that adorable” every time they see a small dog being cute.
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ARE THERE ANY DOG TRICKS SURE TO ANNOY YOUR NEIGHBORS?
There’s a fine line between a dog trick and a dog being an annoying jerk, but we are not usually ones to quibble with those who eat kibble. Will your neighbor want to call the police and/or the dog pound if you teach your dog to blow your car horn for an interminable length of time? You’ll have to find out for yourself.
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IF MY DOG GOES TO JAIL FOR DOING A BAD TRICK, SHOULD I PUT A LITTLE FILE IN HIS DOGGY TREAT SO HE CAN BUST OUT?
First of all, dogs don’t go to jail per se, and second of all, the ol’ nail file trick probably never even worked in the 1930’s, let alone today. And let alone with dogs. Forgot all that the next time your dog gets locked up. The key to freedom lies in this nifty trick.
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ARE THERE DOG TRICKS THAT IF REPLICATED BY HUMANS WOULD RESULT IN ARREST?
This dog is rather good looking, and has a decent trick. However, if you were to do this in a public place, you would likely end up behind bars. There’s a reason they are called weiner dogs and you (hopefully) aren’t called a weiner person.
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I HAVE TO SEE MY ACCOUNTANT AND DO MY TAXES SOON. IS IT OK TO CHEAT ON MY TAXES? LET ME REPHRASE THAT – IF I WAS A DOG, WOULD IT BE OK TO CHEAT ON MY TAXES OR ON ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER?
Wow. That’s a weird question for many reasons – chief among them the fact that you are wondering what you would do if you were a dog going to do your taxes. Let’s put that rumor to rest by saying that dogs don’t have to pay taxes unless, according to a recent IRS ruling, they actually poop solid gold. Assuming you are a dog and you don’t poop solid gold, you are safe. More to our point, it’s not ok to cheat in general. Even at the dog track.
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By Daniel Bernstein