Want to Start Swinging in Tennessee? Head to Church

If there’s one thing the South hates, it’s a science class.  No offense to our progressive southern fans, but you have to admit your politicians and school boards are a little medieval.  But if there’s another thing the South abhors, it’s liberal sexuality, and that means swinging.  Like, there are probably tons of swingers in the south, but you have to pretend like you hate that sort of thing if you want to fit in, just like all those politicians who pretend to be against adultery and drugs and various crimes until they’re caught doing them.

So what do you do if you’re a swinger in Nashville and you want to head to your swingers club and get swinging but the locals shut you down because they don’t want that sort of thing in town?  You build a church.

Thanks to laws which prohibited the club from opening anywhere within 1000 feet of a school or park or residence or church, the club owners have opted instead to build their own church.  After receiving a permit to renovate, the Freedom for All group have decided to open the United Fellowship Center, a church that welcomes members of all faiths and includes a social club that men can join for $50 and women for $20.  But it’s absolutely not a swinger’s club, it’s a church.  They have dressing rooms for the choir and everything.

City council isn’t really buying the story that this church is a church, but lawyers have stated they received the permits and Tennessee law prohibits government regulations on churches.  Which probably means these people can become ordained online, spend 5 minutes blessing everyone who comes in the door and then decide they want to engage a meeting of their social club and start humping like jack rabbits.  But is it legal?  Seems like it might be.

A town councilwoman has already outed one of the Church founders as an online minister, saying he was ordained on a website in a process that takes all of 5 minutes.  And it’s true, that’s about how long it takes since all you really need to do is type your name and click a button on most sites.  But the really weird part is it’s probably totally legit as well; if you head over to the Universal Life Church website right now to get ordained, it’s actually a legal ordination and you can read up on where it can be used and how.  You can perform weddings now!  Mazel Tov!

Whether or not a non-denominational church can have a swing-based social club is a question possibly for lawyers to answer, but so long as the church follows federal guidelines, they should be OK to continue operation, it’s just a matter of meeting those guidelines which can be pretty strict, not because of dirty church sex but because of tax fraud.  As you may be aware, most people fake churches for financial reasons, not sexual ones, so the IRS wants to make sure you’re the real deal before you call yourself a church, and that means established religious practices, regular services, ordained ministers and a recognized creed and form of worship.  So good luck to you Tennessee swingers coming up with that.