Selling stuff is hard. But using sexy women to sell stuff makes it much, much easier. From chicken wings to sports cars, the promise of attractive girls is a surefire way to drum up interest. Just how good are sexy women at convincing men to buy things? To put it in perspective, there are these places called “strip clubs” and “brothels” where hot women are actually able to sell themselves! Isn’t that neat? I think it is.
Anywho, when I set out to write this, my premise was that the one product hot women could not help sell was a horrible movie. For example, The Other Woman doesn’t look like a film any sane man would enjoy, but a bikini-clad Kate Upton is shown throughout the trailer. Is that supposed to be enough to get me in the theater? Maybe that strategy worked in the 1950’s. But in today’s world, where videos of naked women performing any imaginable sex act are available at the push of a button, adding Kate Upton T&A to a movie shouldn’t make a difference.
But sadly, upon closer inspection, it does. Despite the prevalence of Internet nudity and pornography, casting a well-known model still sells in Hollywood, even when the film in question is garbage, and even when the sexiest parts of the film are already on the web free of charge. Here are five examples that prove sometimes supermodel T&A is enough to salvage a horrible film.
Just Go with It – Brooklyn Decker
Just Go with It is a romantic comedy starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. Combining Jennifer Aniston with the words “romantic comedy” should have been enough to drive away 95% of straight-male viewers, and it’s not like Adam Sandler’s name gets most people excited. But producers were smart enough to throw Brooklyn Decker into the mix. The film has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 19%, but it made $215 million with a budget of only $80 million. Why? Watch the trailer up above, and draw your own conclusions.
Battleship – Brooklyn Decker (Again)
What is there to say about Battleship? It’s a movie about an alien invasion, and it’s based on a naval-themed board game that has nothing to do with aliens. In other words, it’s a ridiculous Hollywood marketing ploy that no one in their right mind should pay to see. A 34% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes certainly backs that up.
But thanks in no small part to a healthy dose of cleavage from both Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker (again), the film made $303 million at the box office. On the bright side, Battleship had a budget of $209 million, and it did much worse than expected domestically. But still, in a world where PornHub exists, T&A should not help a horrible film bring in close to $100 million.
Three Stooges – Kate Upton & Sofia Vergara
To be fair, the original Three Stooges skits are funny in context. But like everything, comedy has evolved. And while the idea of idiots hitting each other in the face will always be funny on some level, it’s been done so much over the years that at this point, it’s a bit hacky (sort of like writing an Internet list about girls in bikinis).
So when the remake of the Three Stooges hit theaters, it was not met with enthusiastic reviews, and had an anemic box-office showing. Unfortunately, watching three actors act like Larry, Curly and Moe just isn’t as funny as watching Larry, Curly, and Moe. To make matters worse, a cameo appearance by the cast of Jersey Shore certainly didn’t lend the film any credibility.
However, a ridiculous Kate Upton bikini scene featuring the supermodel as a slutty nun, as well a healthy dose of Sofia Vergara’s chest, managed to turn a complete box-office bomb into a slightly profitable film. Once again, supermodel T&A saved the day.
Taxi – Gisele Bündchen
Gisele Bündchen has it all. She’s ridiculously hot, ridiculously rich, and her baby-daddy is a Super Bowl-winning quarterback. As a lowly Internet hack, I’m legally required to hate her. So I’d like nothing more than to say her first major role in a Hollywood film was a failure. But I can’t.
While critics certainly panned her performance as a sexy female bank robber (the film has a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes), Taxi more than doubled its budget with a worldwide box-office gross of $69 million. Was Gisele Bündchen stripping down to a bra-and-panties the deciding factor? While I can’t say for certain, I have to think it was a bigger draw than the comic stylings of Queen Latifah.
Resident Evil – Milla Jovovich
Most films based on video games don’t do well at the box office. Resident Evil is a big exception to that rule. With a budget of $33 million, it made $102 million worldwide. As you’d imagine, that sort of success didn’t go unnoticed in Hollywood, and the franchise went on to spawn four more films.
While Resident Evil is clearly successful, it certainly is a stretch to call it a good film. It earned a 33% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and made Roger Ebert’s list of most hated films. So what was the cause of Resident Evil’s success? Milla Jovovich running around in a red dress and no bra, I’d imagine.