The Cracker Eatin’, Molly Snortin’, Ambulance Stealing Party Animal

Today comes news of another person in Colorado who is bad at handling their drugs. This time its Stefan Sortland, an 18-year-old Colorado State University student, who had a pretty wild Halloween that amazingly didn’t get anybody killed.


Paramedics responded to a call at the university when a student at a party there started having seizures. As is so often the case with partygoers, the emergency crew found they suddenly didn’t have a ride home. This was thanks to Sortland, who stole their ambulance while they were treating the patient inside.


The ambulance was later found in the middle of the highway with the doors open, heavy damage to the front-end and fluid leaking out of it. It appeared the vehicle jumped the median, hit a sign, traveled the wrong direction and jumped the median again before stopping. Sortland was found on the side of the road high on cocaine and molly and wearing an EMT vest and eating Wheat Thins. Best. Halloween. Costume. Ever.


Sortland’s adventure didn’t stop there. After being tasered, he moved the party over to the police station where he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated.”


He then reported to authorities that his roommates had committed suicide that evening. A call to his roommates revealed they are alive, and now probably looking for a new roommate.


After apologizing for his behavior, Sortland punched two deputies, making matters all the worse. The full tally of his hard partying amount to aggravated vehicle theft, obstructing EMS, reckless driving, hit-and-run, criminal mischief, attempted motor vehicle theft, unlawful possession of a controlled substance, and criminal assault.


Your move, Shia LaBeouf.