The Mysterious Story of the Missing Count Chocula

Fort Collins, Colorado has a population of just over 150,000 people.  Not a huge city, but not a hole in the wall either.  It’s home to Colorado State University and is still the 4th biggest city in the state.  Eight years ago, Money Magazine named it the best place to live in all of America.  That ain’t bad at all.  And then there’s this.

The Fort Collins Coloradoan and ace reporter Josie Sexton just reported a story today about the fate of Count Chocula.  It seems that Albertson’s Grocery store, of which there are two in Fort Collins (I Googled it) were both mysteriously sold out of Count Chocula last week.  I say mysteriously when the word I should use is no word at all.  They were sold out of Count Chocula.  But to literally one person in Fort Collins, this was mysterious.  That person was Kristen Clark, a woman who considers herself a vegetarian and fan of organic foods except once every year, around Halloween, when she eat s a box of Count Chocula.  Unable to find it at two grocery stores in Fort Collins, despite the town also having a Super Wal Mart, two Safeways, the hilariously named Beaver Market, Whole Foods which I suspect doesn’t sell Count Chocula and two King Soopers, Kristen literally, actually, bafflingly wrote to the local paper about her issue.  And presumably only to trump the insanity of writing to a newspaper about this issue, the newspaper actually investigated.  Enter Josie Sexton!

Josie put her journalistic training to the test as she busted out her flash bulb camera and old timey notepad to hit the streets of Fort Collins.  The result?  You know the Sexton tracked that chocolaty old vampire bastard down.  Sexton always gets her man.  Turns out the Count was scooped up by Black Bottle, a local craft brewery that makes cereal beer because what the hell else do craft breweries do these days?  Make just normal beer that tastes good?  No, they jam that shit full of pumpkins, cereal, prayers from children to God, snake skin, beet root, small bits of meteor, hair from dogs that have been in space and guava.  That’s how you make a craft beer.  That and a stupid label with a pun name.

Anyway, Black Bottle has a series of beer called Cerealiously and has included other cereals like Golden Grahams and Reese’s Puffs in the past.  I bet there’s a super interesting story behind that and I also bet that beer tastes exactly the way you think it tastes so we’re just going to leave it at that.  Point is they bought a few cases of the cereal and that’s why the store was out of them.  To put that another way, the mysterious reason why the store had no Count Chocula was that they sold it all.  Isn’t that mysterious?

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Did Josie Sexton pack up her ace reporting kit and go home to a glass of room temperature Scotch and a gun after this discovery?  Hell no!  Josie Sexton doesn’t end a story where some schmucks like Wolf Blitzer would.  Josie Sexton rides that story all the way home.  In this case, she did a little investigating and determined that King Sooper’s (remember how I mentioned them? I went to the Josie Sexton School of Journalism, I know my stuff) on North College Avenue had plenty of the cereal in stock.  Plenty.

Did you hear that swish?  That was Josie Sexton dropping this story through the hoop, nothing but net.  Josie Sexton eats Peabody Awards for breakfast and shits Pulitzer Prizes.