If Hollywood has taught us nothing else (it’s taught us that Scientology can’t make a watchable movie and neither can Kevin James), it’s that everything can be settled with a showdown. So it seems like the hand of fate has guided us to the Backstreet Boys Ninja this week, a plucky young Canadian fellow showing off his badass fight moves, reminiscent of another fight hero from the internet’s past: Star Wars Kid. What would happen if these two titans squared off? First, to the tapes!
Star Wars Kid
Opening: Both the Star Wars Kid and BSB Ninja start it out smooth and slow. They’re not here to show off. This isn’t about proving anything. They ease into their moves like an old man into a hot tub. They’re cool and calm and collected.
Style: Right away Star Wars kid transitions into the most dangerous form of lightsaber/golf ball retriever fighting of all, the “my head is in the way” technique. He has no concern for his own body which translates into utter disdain for an opponent’s body.
BSB Ninja begins with a furious spin kick in the drunken master style. His stumble-bum technique would surely confuse and fluster any opponent, off-balancing them as they expect him to maintain a center of gravity.
Verdict: Star Wars kid displays a bit more field of motion and willingness to put his own safety on the line. Star Wars Kid wins this round.
Power Moves: The BSB Ninja is a powerhouse of motion. He’ll be looking left and kicking right, punching your neck and kicking your mom’s ass! Like the wind, he lashes out in all directions, and his spin kick, double-punch combos would probably knock you bones into dust.
Star Wars Kid pulls a furious spin kick, golf ball retriever flurry about half way through the video that probably caused your blood pressure to rise just by watching it.
Verdict: While Star wars Kid has a weapon, it’s the BSB Ninja’s 360 degree destructive style and his quick transition from feet of fury to fists of rage that put him ahead here.
Passion: No fighter can win without conviction, drive and passion. You have to have the killer instinct to make this work. Star Wars Kid has his rage plastered all over his face. Look at him biting his lip. Listen to his grunts and hisses and “fyuh fyoo frah” sounds as he wages war on his invisible opponents. He’s in it to win it.
BSB Ninja is as cold as ice. His expression set in stone, he’s all business. He is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he is all out of bubblegum.
Verdict: Star Wars Kid’s fury cannot be contained. While BSB’s deadly calm is not to be underestimated, Star Wars Kid is clearly a bubbling cauldron of rage.
Background: Turns out, in a curious twist of geography, both Star Wars Kid and BSB Ninja are Canadian. Is there something up north that breeds intense fighters with unparalleled technique? Must be all that poutine.
Verdict: While this seems like a straight up tie, the edge goes to BSB Ninja for displaying his national pride in hat form. Ever had your ass kicked by a guy in a Blue Jays hat? You’ll remember that sting for a lifetime.
Conclusion: It’s a battle too close to call as both BSB Ninja and the Star Wars Kid pull 2 victories each. It’s pretty clear that, if these two brawlers squared off, the only losers would be the people who didn’t tune in to watch. Unless, of course, we’re wrong? Which one of these clumsy kung-fu champs are you placing your money on? Let us know in the comments
- Ian (@holytaco)