Squirrels Have Begun To Attack People In New York

Citizens of New York need to be vigilant and aware of their latest threat: squirrels. MTA workers have been attacked by squirrels while operating trains and while walking through the subway stations. All of these attacks may seem like isolated incidents, but it has happened not once, not twice, but three times in the past two weeks.

We knew this day would come.

Earlier in May, one of the attack squirrels in question, bit a train operator on her middle finger while she was on the stairs at a Bronx subway station. Luckily, the woman walked away without major injury. My guess is that the squirrel takes offense to appendages that can be used for offensive PG-13 gestures.
A second attack happened when a squirrel came onto the train and started to attack another MTA worker on the Coney Island-bound Q-train. Recently, a squirrel attack was reporter on the Q-train again! This time, the train operator wasn’t going to fall victim to a finger bite. She stopped the train as soon as she learned the squirrel was on board. She and the passengers shooed the squirrel off the train, marking a victory for humans – for now. Who knows if he will be back for reinforcements the next time around.

Either squirrels have it out for public transit workers, or the squirrel community is taking a cue from “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and trying to take over the world.