Spambots Are Ruining My Relationships With Real Female Strangers Who Want Sex

A billion people are on Facebook and every single one of them has had the same experience: log on and notice a friend request from a girl with enormous breasts who’s included a friendly message about wanting to have sex with you. Naturally, you accept the request, and wait for a sexual relationship to begin. 

Except it doesn’t. You’ve been spambotted. She isn’t one of those real-life girls who initiates a conversation with you and immediately proposes sex. Hell, she’s probably not even a “she”—it’s most likely an algorithm programmed by a credit card scammer in a collapsed former Soviet state. Who’s also a guy.

It didn’t always used to be this way.

Prior to the rise of social media, I used to have sex all the time with young, large-breasted women who initiated contact with me. We all have. You know the drill: you’re at a bar, drinking a beer while watching the stock ticker on Fox News, and a young woman who you could swear you’ve seen in porn approaches and begins the conversation with “I like you!” followed by a wink and a wildly suggestive flick of her tongue along her upper lip. Sometimes she starts taking off her clothes right there in the bar and you have to remind her to behave herself. Then you go back to her nice apartment and do her there.

I used to clean up from email, too. We barely even use email these days, but I remember back when I couldn’t even check my Yahoo! inbox without receiving several proposals from bored, lonely, horny girls asking me to click a link which would redirect me to a home address. I’d drive over, find the aforementioned bored, lonely, horny girl and have sex with her. Sometimes I’d stay and let her buy me lunch, but often I had a liaison with another bored, lonely, horny girl lined up immediately afterward. “Sorry, darling,” I’d say, declining her offer to have a pizza delivered, “but you’re not the only girl in the world blindly approaching men for immediate sex. You’re a dime a dozen, frankly.”

Those days are over, oddly enough. You’d think that with all the new ways to meet people, we’d be living in a golden age of men enjoying commitment-free sex with attractive, young large-breasted women.

We’re not.

The spambots have taken over and dammit, they’re so convincing it’s impossible to tell them apart from real women. Take, for example, my interaction on Snapchat last week with a sexy, sex-starved young girl—or at least that’s what I thought—named Dianna_Bundgrix116kn616. “Her” first message to me was one I’ve heard a million times before: “You’re cute! Let’s fuck!” This should be a slam dunk, right? So I engage her in conversation, telling her what I do for a living, what my first car was, my middle name, my mother’s maiden name, the name of the street I grew up on, and the name of my first pet. Eventually I try to re-direct the conversation to me driving over to her nice house for sex. And that’s when she stops writing back.

Fearing that she may have stepped into an open manhole cover, I sent an email to customer service asking that they check to make sure she’s still alive. They do, and she’s not: in fact, she was never alive to begin with.

Spambotted yet again.

I’ve been burned so many times by spambots I’ve lost the ability to trust the actual, real pretty girls initiating contact with me for the sole purpose of having sex. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’m sick of getting tricked. So now when I receive a friend request from a girl on Facebook—and I mean any female, including co-workers and distant family members—I immediately reply with a message reading “prove you’re not a whore.” If they don’t reply? Busted! If they do, well, they’re usually pretty mad and I’m still not convinced.

I’ve even lost the ability to trust sexy young women in real life. If a girl smiles at me in a bar, I’ll flip her the bird and see if she reacts with genuine human emotion. If my waitress is physically desirable, I’ll have to poke her with my index finger to make sure she’s not a hologram. While necessary, these precautions are affecting my relationships with the REAL girls who want to have immediate sex with me.

To them, I am sorry. I truly feel bad for all the attractive, young, sex-starved, large-breasted girls who’ve been deprived of sex with me due to my inability to trust them. But until we can expunge the scourge of deceptive sex algorithms from all social media, my guard will remain up.