Space Sex: The Final F**ktier

While it’s always been a fun topic to joke about, sex in space is finally getting a serious look as more  organizations plan trips to Mars in 2018 when it will align with Earth and become the closest two planets can become (the next time this happens is in 2031).

One such organization, Inspiration Mars Foundation, plans to send a married couple to fly around Mars and bone hardcore above the red planet (my speculation, but come on…). They have publicly admitted their astronauts will want to have sex and there will be issues. New studies have shown that sex in space is difficult and possibly dangerous. However, love cannot be stopped. Imagine you’re in space…

NASA’s space suit standards have waned in recent years.

You’re surrounded by stars. Music plays over a speaker, possibly something romantic like a Jon Bon Jovi song. You just shared a nice dinner of freeze-dried ice cream and a tube of turkey gunk with your friend. Oh… you notice some of the turkey gunk on her lip.

You say, “Barbara, you have some gunk on your lip.”

She shies away, giggling in embarrassment. You smile as she wipes away the wrong corner of her supple, red lips.

“No, the other side,” you whisper. You reach over and wipe the gunk away with your index finger, ever so gently.

Your cheeks blush at the touch of human skin. Surrounded by metal, wires, and the vast, cold loneliness of space, you don’t know any other way to react to this sudden spark of human touch other than to float over and pounce on her.

But you can’t. She’s already pounced upon you.

Then you do it and it sucks because there isn’t gravity to help with friction. You can’t use a wall because you’ll just bounce away from it. I guess you could strap down to something because that’ll just be weird, especially when you want to change positions and can’t.

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Supermaning hoes is hard in space.

In addition to the issues of actually doing it, there are also concerns about the safety of reproduction. Babies on earth are accustomed to gravity in a mother’s womb so scientists have no idea how they would react to zero gravity. There are also greater risks of radiation exposure in space and if there is one thing babies hate, it’s radiation.

It’s a brave new world we are entering. One where there are extended space trips that humans take. Humans with penises and vaginas and lustful desires. Sex must be had in space. It’s our destiny.

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“Houston, how long until we get to pork these aliens?”

– Mark (twitter)