LeBron James: Hello?
Bill Muray: Hey, LeBron? It’s Bill Murray…We need your help.
LeBron: Absolutely. What do you need?
Bill: Well, remember those aliens who invaded Earth back in the mid-90s? The ones who challenged Michael Jordan to a basketball game? Yeah, some more of them are back and are trying to take over Earth again. Real original, right? It’s like they can’t think of anything else to do so they just recycle the same old stuff over and over again. Anyway, we need you to beat them in a pick-up game.
LeBron: Oh no, that’s terrible. Are they stealing the talent of NBA players like they did the last time?
Bill: Yeah, they’ve completely sapped the Golden State Warriors of all of their skills and abilities.
LeBron: (thinking) Sorry, Bill [TELEPHONE STATIC]. You’re breaking up [MORE STATIC]. Call me back after the playoffs [STATIC].
LeBron James: Hello?
Bill Murray: Hey, LeBron. Bill again. Look, I know you’re real busy with the playoffs and everything, but we could really use your help. The last time I played these guys, I was 36 and I was feeding passes to friggin’ MJ. I’m too old for the court these days.
LeBron: Sorry, man. Now’s just not the best time for me.
Bill Murray: Why not?
LeBron: (puts on sunglasses) I’m busy making the dinosaurs go extinct.
Bill: HAHAHA because you’re playing the Raptors, right?
[CLICK; DIAL TONE]
[FRANTIC DOOR KNOCKING]
Bill Murray: LeBron…Hello? I know you’re in there, the Cavs are off today…Look, we really need your help. The MONSTARS 2.0 have already beaten China and Spain’s teams. Tony Parker wanted to lead the French against them, but they just forfeited instead.
Bill: LeBron, please man. Curry, Durant, Green, Kawhi, Wade, Westbrook, Harden, Paul, Griffin, Wall, George, Lillard, Davis, Irving, Love, Cousins and Towns have all either been vaporized by superior alien weaponry or had their talent stolen. World governments are crumbling left and right; there’s anarchy in the streets. Delonte West is taking your mom out for a nice steak dinner tonight. WE NEED YOUR HELP!
Bill: Listen, I know it can be scary to try and win the big one on your own. I know it’s hard to beat the competition rather than join them. That’s why you went to Miami and it’s why you came back to Cleveland. I totally get it. But right now, we need you. The Earth needs you.
Bill: (sighs) We’ll let you form a superteam with Bugs Bunny and celebrity guest star Chris Pratt.
LeBron: I’m in.
[ARENA ANNOUNCER HAS JUST FINISHED INTRODUCING THE MONSTARS 2.0. HE’S ABOUT TO INTRODUCE THE TUNE SQUAD WHEN LEBRON GRABS THE MIC]
LeBron James: Hey, what’s up everyone? I know you’ve all come to watch a basketball game that will decide the fate of humanity and whether or not planet Earth becomes the property of an evil race of intelligent aliens. I know you’re all looking forward to an even playing field with competitive teams each repping their own stars…But, and this is very tough, I’ve decided I’m going to take my talents to Moron Mountain and join the MONSTARS 2.0. Peace out.