You know how sometimes you’re being that guy, sort of ignoring other people who are conversing while you aimlessly ramble through the song selection on your phone and then someone stops and says “you have a lot of songs about masturbation” and then you take a moment to appreciate the merits of that observation? I had that the other day.
Through some fluke of the gods of the shuffle function, I managed to scroll through She Bop, Turning Japanese, Blister in the Sun and Dancing with Myself, all right in a row, in a playlist of over 1,300 songs. The universe wanted me to touch myself, I assume, as it so often does, since no one else will. But was there more to it? Everyone gets giddy when they tell you how a song is about masturbation, because there’s always one person who didn’t know, and then they list all the songs they know that are about masturbation as though they were trying to get a merit badge in songs about masturbation. But inevitably the list kind of stops where mine is, with the exception of I Touch Myself by the Divinyls. There really aren’t all that many songs about masturbation. But there should be.
Surely there could be superior masturbation songs out there, if only the artist would just come out and admit that’s what they were singing about. But barring the reality of that event, I figured I could make some guesses about songs that at least sounded like they should be about masturbation.
Drop it Like it’s Hot by Snoop Dogg
Most Wank-Themed Lyric: I can exercise you, this can be your Phys. Ed
Analysis: If ever there was a more perfect euphemism for jerking off than the chorus to this song, I haven’t heard it. I was almost positive this was a song about, if not masturbation, than at least sex, when it first came out. And in fairness I still don’t actually know what it’s about. That’s not an invitation to have someone explain it to me because really, I don’t care. If my life gets to the point where I need to have Snoop Dogg lyrics explained to me, then I made a wrong turn. That’s messed up like an Amish pimp or your grandma offering courses on fisting.
But the point is that a line like “I can’t fake it, just break it, and when I take it” seems to be screaming “I genuinely work my own crank until it feels broken.”
Spoonman by Soundgarden
Most Wank-Themed Lyric: TIE! “Spoonman, come together with your hands”
With your hands
Analysis: Arguably this song is about a dude who plays spoons but man, it’s not even some of the lyrics that sound like they’re about working your crank, it’s every word of this song. And the unsettling part is that it’s an awesome song. If I could go back in time to the 90’s, I would go back to when this song was popular and be like “f*ck yeah!” and then I would ask people if it was about masturbation. AND THEY WOULDN’T KNOW!
Here I Go Again on my Own By Whitesnake
Most Wank-Themed Lyric: “An’ here I go again on my own Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,”
Analysis: Is this one stretching it a bit? Yes. But this song is such a circle-jerk anyway, you shouldn’t care. All 80’s power ballads were written specifically for effeminate dudes to convince insecure girls to have sex with them, because those permed nancies were not getting laid otherwise. This song was no different. But all that aside, what you need to do know is that Whitesnake was all the top of the 80’s lame-suckitude heap when it came to song writing back in the day. Here I go again on my own? As if this song wasn’t about jerking it, you should be so lucky that your hand ever allows you to abuse it that way if you write such a weak song.
Who Put the Bomp by Barry Mann
Most Wank-Themed Lyric: “Each time that we’re alone Boogity boogity boogity Boogity boogity boogity shoo”
Analysis: This is a fun song from back in the day that seems so goddamn precious and sugary sweet it could give you cavities and make your asshole flutter the way it does when you first kiss someone in prison. That happens to you guys, right? But seriously, back in the 1800s or whenever, boogity shoo was what you had to say to a hooker to get her to give you a blowie. And putting the bomp in the bomp bomp bomp was the world’s most obvious euphemism for sodomy. Like seriously.
O Come all Ye Faithful by Jesus or whoever
Most Wank-Themed Lyrics: Oh come all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant
Analysis: Am I just grasping at straws and childishly suggesting any song with the word “come” in it should be about masturbation? Yes and no. Yes in that I am, but no in that the word come is still funny if you think about it in that dirty way. But also, that whole bit about joy and triumph makes it seem like it was a really good session, like one of those times when you really hit your stride and it’s like “hells yeah, penis, I own you!”
Beat it by Michael Jackson
Most Wank-Themed Lyric: Don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man You wanna stay alive, better do what you can So beat it, just beat it
Analysis: The easiest joke in the bunch but man, it has to be made. Has to. Look at that lyric up there. Ha! Plus it’s Michael Jackson. We know he’s dead and he was an idol to millions and probably his dad was Satan, but listen, Michael Jackson was friggin’ funny. Dude had a monkey. And he lived at his own theme park. And his head caught on fire once. And his brother was Jermaine Jackson. And he was a black guy who had white kids. He was like 6 years worth of the Improv all in one man. Hilarious.
Seriously though, if we had to guess, probably he spent a lot of time in his dressing room just defiling himself with Cabbage Patch kids and fruit roll ups for most of his life, so it’s not a stretch to imagine this song had a hidden meaning.