8 Of The Most Deceitful Clickbaits Of The Week

A new year looms, will it be clickbait free?  Maybe, but 2015 certainly wasn’t.  Here’s the last roundup of sneaky headlines for this year.  See you in 2016!

Mariah the Liah

 

 

What We Thought: A desperately sad attempt to legitimize not just a Hallmark movie, but a Mariah Carey movie.  Remember Glitter?  Of course you don’t, and with good reason.

What it Was:  NPR being as sneaky as sneaky gets by intentionally using and even acknowledging their use of clickbait to get you to read an article. Incidentally, none of the 20 items on their list are remotely interesting, which in itself is curiously interesting.

Share the Wealth

 

What We Thought: Some egregious tale from a rich person meant to make a lower middle class person feel all warm that they’re not burdened with riches.

What it Was: The tale of a man who realized that there’s no happiness in becoming rich and then never doing anything again, so he decided to keep working because that made him happy.  Do any people honestly think the key to happiness is becoming a millionaire hobo?  Of course you keep working, you just do what you want instead of what you need to do.

XXXBox

 

What we Thought: Adults who prefer Nintendo are totally into hentai, aren’t they?

What It Was: YouPorn statistics on how porn is accessed via video game consoles and holy crap, Nintendo users do prefer hentai.  Is this still clickbait?  Of wait, yes it is, because it’s just a statistical breakdown of the most searched for porn based on console and you don’t need an article to tell you what porn you search for online, do you?

Poor Little Rich Boy

 

What we Thought:  Sounds like some boneheads out there have no idea how to manage money

What it Was: Fury inducing blather.  Is that a thing?  This is that thing. There’s a story about some dingus who makes $450,000 to $600,000 a year and thinks he lives paycheck to paycheck.  Meaning he doesn’t even know what “paycheck to paycheck” means, because what he does ain’t it.  He pays his ex $8000 a month and private school for his kids costs $150k for four years, so clearly he’s broke.  Except for how math shows he’s nowhere near broke based on those terribly stupid numbers.

Race Relations

 

What we Thought: The Photoshop version of blackface

What it Was: The second photo was “black Jim Carrey” featuring Jim Carrey with an afro and my brain started to bleed.  And then I saw Jamaican Osama bin Laden.

The Dark Nativity

 

What we Thought: After all these years, Christmas is based on some kind of evil manger scene.

What it Was: A long essay on Biblical misogyny and how only virgins in ancient stories could be pure.  Well, OK.  That stuff is 2000 years old, too.  People thought the earth was flat and bleeding a lot would cure disease. 

ISIS Is After You!

 

What we Thought: ISIS knows where we live and is targeting us

What it Was: Literally a long ass list of the most random towns.  Orland Park, Illinois?  Wyle, Texas?  First of all, it’s Wylie, Texas.  And second, does ISIS really write lists of small American cities and publish them online? 

Turns out this list was actually a list of towns ISIS had identified US servicemen as coming from.  They did post this list, asking sympathizers in the US to look up the soldiers in those towns and kill them.  This is not unlike you posting a list of all the cars you want online and asking someone to buy them for you.  Maybe it’ll happen.  Maybe.

Star Wars: Ruined

 

What we Thought: spoiler alert: JJ Abrams ruined Star Wars.  Like, somehow differently than George Lucas did.

What It Was: The first damn sentence says JJ did not ruin Star Wars.  Don’t ask yourself a question no one else was wondering then answer it right away.