Courts Have Decided Who Has The Right To Check Your Chubby

After a long and turgid battle, we now know that the only legally supported way to check your chubby is the old fashioned way.  No, there’s not an app for that.

Not too long ago, in a galaxy not too far away, someone came up with the brilliant idea to make an app that would assist you in checking the size of your shlong.  Your package.  Your gak-slinger.  It was a penis-measuring app.  And they called it the Chubby Checker.

This idea would have been all fine and good if only mildly confusing as to how it measured anything longer than a phone and how it was anything other than a ruler on a phone, until the man who actually goes by the name Chubby Checker caught wind of it and didn’t think it was funny.

On the one had you have to sympathize with legendary 60s singer Chubby Checker, as having your named purloined for an app that tells people how big their junk is may not be the most dignified used of one’s name.  On the other hand, his name is Chubby Checker so people have been making jokes about him checking out dongs for as long as “chubby” has been a synonym for boner and we’ve had the word since the 1600s, so its use describing wang probably predates Mr. Checker and his pride.

Checker (the man, not the app) sued HP for even hosting the app, despite the fact they didn’t develop it in any way and removed it as soon as he complained.  HP shrugged and said nothing that happened was their fault but Chubby (the man, not the boner) insisted it infringed on his copyrights and was damaging to his brand.  And it turns out he won as the case was settled out of court, meaning there’s a judge out there somewhere who seriously believes Chubby Checker has a brand in the year 2014 and it needs protecting.

Check that chubby fro, yo!

I’m no copyright lawyer but if I had to hazard a guess, I would say a penis measuring app named Chubby Checker would, if nothing else, bring more attention to a singer that no one under 30 who doesn’t wear glasses voluntarily would know anything about.  Chances are no one outside of Branson Missouri even knew Chubby Checker was alive this year until this lawsuit popped up, so he owes whoever made this app a debt of gratitude for letting the world know he’s still out there and that maybe they want to do the twist if their new hips will allow for it.

The argument that Chubby Checker had a brand to protect shouldn’t have held up in court.  It’s like suggesting TAB cola or the Ford Edsel has a brand to protect, which is really based very strongly on the necessity of using a time machine.  In 2014 Chubby Checker has a name that means he likes to look at boners.  If anything the app should have sued him for confusing people who might have thought it was about 60s rock.