5 Of The Creepiest Old People Ever

Old people are not to be trusted.  You know who thought up “respect your elders?”  Old people.  Good try, old people.  Good try.  Truth is that faint urine and wood chip smell, that confused aura, that wrinkled neck scrotum, all of that is just a distraction from their true nature – harmful old cranks.  Old people are not sweet and innocent.  They’re messed up.  As proof, here are like…5 old people.  All of whom are awful.  Scientifically speaking this is a reasonable sample size from which to extrapolate conclusions about the entire population.

Ray and Faye Copeland

Did you know old people can be serial killers?  They can.  Monsters.  No one likes being killed by the elderly and, in fact, a recent survey we won’t link indicates 95% of people would prefer to be serial killed by someone in their own age group.  You can’t argue with numbers like these.

Despite that knowledge, insensitive old couple 71 year old Ray and 65 year old Faye Coupland, whose terrible rhyming names should have been the first indication something equally terrible was afoot, were sort of career criminals for a spell back in the golden years.  Old Ray had a habit of stealing stuff throughout the 40s and 50s, including horses.  He stole horses.  What kind of man steals a horse?  Then he stole cattle.  Then he smartened up and hired drifters to go to auctions and buy cattle for him with bad checks he never signed.  After he was caught, he perfected the scam by making them open their own checking accounts, buy the cows, then he killed them so they couldn’t rat him out.

By 1989 when the couple were arrested there were a number of bodies under various buildings on their property.  Faye was tried first for 5 counts of murder.  What was her involvement?  Hard to say but she’d made a quilt out of the clothes of the dead folks.  Long story short neither one is alive any more.

Shigeo Tokuda

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You may have about Tokuda before but you need to appreciate just how terrifying a 78 year old porn star is.  A 78 year old porn star.  Look at these 78 year olds;

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Do you have a boner?  WILL YOU EVER HAVE ONE AGAIN?         

Louise and Martine Fokken

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Louise and Martine Fokken are the reason erectile dysfunction even exists in the modern world.  You don’t have to known them or know of them, it’s a karmic, spiritual thing. Their existence sends waves of boner terror through the very fabric of space-time which in turn destroys your sexy fun time sometimes just as it has done for all time and will continue to do.  It can’t be stopped.  It’s like gravity.

That said, Louise and Martine are prostitutes, they’re twins and they’re over 70.  A recent documentary on the two lets us know together they have slept with over 350,000 men.  That’s the entire population of Belize.  That’s 350,000 slightly tainted souls that were probably never able to make automatic doors open ever again, or whose presence just angered bees for no good reason. 

Only one of the sisters still works, but that’s all you really need to know about why the world is a cold, heartless place and not all things happen for a good reason.  It’s not that the idea of elderly sexuality is wrong, I’m sure all of us will still want to get out hump on until the day we die, it’s that these are twin, 70 year old hookers who have kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  Why is this happening?  What is going on?  Can you fathom the idea of someone handing your great grandmother an envelope of money and then bending her over an ottoman?  If you can, get off my website this instant and back to the hellish realm that birthed you, fiend.

Someone let these old ladies retire and just knit!  Please!