Everybody poops. Everybody masturbates. But nobody wants to get caught jacking off. For one, it’s a buzzkill; there’s nothing worse than getting interrupted while trying to spend some quality alone time. Then there’s the embarrassment factor. Even though everybody does it, nobody wants people to know they do it unless they’re a character on an HBO show and then they’d discuss the subject ad nauseam. The difference between getting caught jacking off today and in the past is that technology has made it so much easier to video someone indulging in personal time in any place. Before the proliferation of cell phone cameras, most people who get caught masturbating just share that experience with whoever caught them, most likely their nosy mother. But now, that fun moment can be shared with the whole world via the internet forever and ever.
The one thing about getting caught jacking off is that it will definitely makes you famous or at least infamous. Take the case of producer Neil Goldberg, former head of ESPN's NASCAR coverage and the winner of multiple Emmy Awards. Despite all his accolades and accomplishments, nobody had ever heard of him until in October 2010, he was caught masturbating as he stood on a stool outside a neighbor's window while watching a female neighbor getting dressed. A woman walking her dog caught him and when the police investigated, Goldberg admitted to doing the deed. This is definitely one way to get your name in the headlines instead of having it in small print in the credits after people have stopped watching anyway. Perhaps getting caught masturbating in public will replace celebrity sex tapes as the next popular thing to do for publicity.
The Ideal Mother. What planet do these people live on?
HAS ANYBODY BEEN AT WORK IN ANY CAUGHT JACKING OFF VIDEOS?
You betcha. As the below examples can attest, one of the places you absolutely should not jack off is also one of the most used locations for caught jacking off videos. Below are videos of both a man and a woman caught masturbating AT THEIR JOB. Sure, it gets boring at work, especially if you’re alone and working the night shift but then just do what the rest of us do and surf the net. Oh, that’s probably the problem since that’s exactly what this guy in the below video is doing expect he is surfing for porn which could be faintly heard on the audio. He must definitely not be privy to the fact that there are security cameras at his job. His boss says in the introduction to the video that they’ve suspected that this night time employee was up to something so they decided to film his activities. The next day, the unsuspecting employee is asked by the boss to view a video that was just emailed to him. After watching himself jerk off, the employee goes ballistic and attacks his laughing boss demanding to know who else he sent the video to. Suffice to say chances are the employee probably didn’t keep his job and it’s not because he was jacking off at work, it’s because he hit his boss who frankly, seemed pretty good-natured about the whole thing.
Work masturbation isn’t solely reserved just for men. In the below video, this enterprising young lady not only is masturbating at work but she is using an unusual technique. Generally if someone is going to rub one out, they close an office door in order to have some privacy. However, this woman not only keeps the door open, she pulls herself up on the door, holding onto the top of it while she rubs against the doorknob. Now, she clearly doesn’t care that doorknobs are a hotbed of germs and one of the most common places to catch cold germs. Or maybe she was wearing protection. We have to think that this took place during a time when there were very little people still in the office. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s an exhibitionist and was hoping to have an audience. Well, she certainly got an audience of one, the filmmaker. And now she has you. And every other person who watches videos on the web.
WHAT'S ANOTHER POPULAR PLACE TO GET CAUGHT JACKING OFF?
Another very popular place for people to get caught masturbating is in their car. The guy in this video was lucky he was caught by friends and not the local police since public indecency is generally not a slap on the hand offense. In this incident, the driver’s friend films himself sneaking up on the jacker-offer’s car. When the friend catches the driver, everyone cracks up laughing even the victim who has no problems showing that he came prepared to jack off. He even brought his own lotion.
HAS ANYBODY BEEN CAUGHT JACKING OFF AT HOME?
Absolutely. You would think you have privacy in your own house and you probably do except when you live with siblings. Then masturbating can become a not so private activity, especially if you’ve pissed off your brother or sister. In the below video, the masturbator’s brother and his friend are shown sneaking up on the older brother with he is doing the deed. They make a comment about how older bro should not mess with them. The younger brother opens the unlocked door and throws a pillow at his brother mid-jerk while his pants are down.
In this other video, the brother storyline continues as one brother not only busts in on his brother in bed in mid-jerk but he uses a credit card to open the locked door. In this case, the caught jerking off brother is definitely the victim since one would have as the lawyers like to say “an expectation of privacy” when the door is locked!
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BEST CAUGHT JACKING OFF MOVIE SCENES?
A classic masturbating scene for people of a certain age is the quintessential 80’s high school movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), a coming of age movie and like all coming of age films, there’s always some guy wanking in it. In Fast Times, big brother Brad (Judge Reinhold) is masturbating in the bathroom and fantasizing about his little sister’s friend Linda (Phoebe Cates) who is swimming in her red bathing suit. When she gets out of the pool, she unhooks the top from the front giving Brad a nice view of her nubile breasts.
Brad’s fantasy turns into a major embarrassing OMG moment when in reality, Linda walks in on Brad as he is working his boner. Brad Interrupted complains out loud, “Doesn’t anybody f**kin’ knock anymore?” You can’t depend on other people, Brad, you have to be proactive when protecting your personal time and LOCK the door.
The original American Pie (1999) has one of the most memorable caught jacking off scenes in cinematic history and incidentally, the scene also opens the movie. The main character, Jim (Jason Biggs) is in his room trying to watch a scrambled porn channel, mostly listening to the audio filled with moans and sexy talk. Jim puts a tube sock on his boner right before his mother walks in to say good night. He covers himself with a pillow as she asks what he’s watching. He tells her it’s a nature show but she accuses him of watching illegal channels. Jim’s helpful dad comes in and says the TV just has bad reception and tries to fix it by taking the remote from Jim’s hand, inadvertently pulling off the pillow and exposing his sock-covered manhood to his parents.
Later in the film, Jim comes home to an apple pie baked especially for him by his mother. Remembering that someone told him “third base feels like "warm apple pie," Jim digs a hole in the middle of the pie with his finger. Moments later, his understanding but perplexed father (Eugene Levy) walks in on Jim lying on the counter humping the pie with his pants down. However, the best part of the whole scene has got to be when after getting caught, Jim and his father are staring at the mushed up mangled apple pie and his dad says, “We’ll just tell your mother that we ate it all.”
WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON WHO GOT CAUGHT MASTURBATING?
One of the most notorious celebrity caught masturbating incidents happened in July 1991 when Paul Reubens who played beloved children’s show host, Pee-wee Herman was arrested in Sarasota, Florida for exposing himself and allegedly masturbating in a dark adult movie theater. Later, Reubens pleaded no contest to the charges and was able to maintain his innocence by paying a $50 fine, and $87.75 in court costs. To keep the arrest off his record, he was also ordered to perform seventy-five hours of community service, however, even Reubens himself acknowledges that people don’t forget. He said in a 1999 Vanity Fair interview, “The public has a really good memory. The public has a mind like a steel trap.”
Paul Reubens Mug Shot
WHAT DOES "CAUGHT PULLING A PEE-WEE" MEAN?
“Caught pulling a Pee-Wee” became the most used phrase in news reports when in 2012, Fred Willard, the then-72-year-old actor veteran comedy actor was arrested during a police raid at a Los Angeles porn movie theater. Apparently there are still some people that like to kick it old school and prefer XXX movie theaters even though there’s free porn on the internet which you can access in the privacy of your home. When cops found Willard, he was holding himself and was arrested for lewd conduct and wound up losing his job as a narrator on PBS after the arrest. However, Willard has rebounded nicely and is now a reoccurring character on ABC’s hit show, “Modern Family.” He can even joke about the incident and in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, Willard said, “It was embarrassing. Embrassing as hell. It's the last time I'm going to listen to my wife when she says, 'Why don't you go out to see a movie?'"
HAS ANYBODY ELSE FAMOUS BEEN CAUGHT JACKING OFF?
In January 2014, New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was reported to the police for suspected public masturbation. A woman parked next to him at a Target parking lot where Winslow was sitting in his car with the window rolled down. When the 58-year-old woman leaned in the car window to comment to him how cold it was, she was allegedly greeted with the sight of Winslow with his Mr. Happy exposed. When the cops came, they did find Mr. Happy in Winslow’s car but they were containers labeled “Mr. Happy” filled with of synthetic marijuana. The authorities also found bags with the same substance labeled “Funky Monkey” and two open jars of Vaseline. However, by then Winslow had his sweatpants on so all he was arrested for was possession of a controlled substance. It just goes to show that when you gotta beat one out, you gotta do what you got to do no matter if it’s at a Target, Walmart or Kmart. And that sometimes you can regret naming your kid after yourself.