Seals Caught Having Sex With Penguins

In a world gone mad, can you really be surprised when the BBC is reporting that scientists have not only seen seals having sex with penguins, but that it’s happening more frequently and they caught it on tape?  No, because it happened.  Here now, for your psychological trauma, is a video.

There are probably any number of things that can be said about this video.  That penguin, for instance, doesn’t look super happy.  The seal seems oddly proud, in a stoner sort of way.  And all those other penguins; what the hell are they thinking?

According to researchers who research the things that are humped by seals, this was first noticed in 2006.  As in it happened one time and everyone involved adjusted their thick, scientist glasses, took a drink of herbal tea and said something like “quite interesting behavior that is, let us take note.”

Now, 8 years later, penguin humping is spreading like a rash.  Thanks to the fact seals are able to teach each other new skills, looks like they’re learning how to hump penguins from one another.  The researchers are fairly certain that the act actually involves penetration and that the seals are picking it up by watching their buddies do it.  And for the most part it’s just hilarious, interspecies sexual assault, except for that one time the seal ate the penguin when he was done.  That was super not cool.

At this point scientists are not sure why the seals do it, because a scientist can watch a seal pork a penguin and be totally oblivious to the obvious answer – he was horny.  That’s not scientific.  Instead they’ve theorized that it’s got something to do with the seal being sexually inexperienced and stupid, meaning it may not realize it’s supposed to hump penguins, or maybe the birds are easier to catch and put the moves on than female seals.

At one point a scientist involve does say “Perhaps it is a release of sexual frustration, given the hormonal surges during seal breeding season” which does sound like science talk for “horny” but then he adds it’s difficult to say when it really isn’t.  Why else would a seal do a penguin?  It’s the same reason humans do people they’re not attracted to after a night at the bars – you needed something and they were there. And since seals haven’t invented Fleshlights yet, this is the best thing they could think of.

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On the other hand this may all be a viral marketing campaign for Penguins of Madagascar.  Let’s wait and see.